Finding My Voice

"If you are neutral in situations of injustice, you have chosen the side of the oppressor. If an elephant has its foot on the tail of a mouse and you say that you are neutral, the mouse will not appreciate your neutrality"
-Desmond Tutu-

Hello, my dear readers,

 In this post I'm going to be discussing something that I've struggled with for a long time: my own opinions. Now, you're probably thinking; 'opinions? How do you struggle with your own opinions?' and my response to you is this...

that's a loaded question, friend.

 You see, opinions were never hard for me to form- I knew what tv shows I thought were good, I knew what animals I liked, I knew my opinion on certain foods, all of those things were well, and good, and okay. However, I had no strong opinions on anything else- politics, events, people, anything that could be considered treading on people's toes- I just smiled and nodded and silently agreed/disagreed with whoever was talking, including people you should feel comfortable sharing opinions with, like my therapist, or my mom.

 As I've gotten older, especially once I turned fifteen-ish, I started to grow my own ideas and opinions. It was like culture shock to my entire being. Suddenly having an opinion on anything that wasn't what movie we should go see was terrifying. Even more terrifying was when I didn't agree with something a friend had said, or even worse, something my grandparents had said, or even worse, something my mom said.

 Some things I've always had strong opinions on; abortion, helping people out, animals in shelters, & obviously rude, bad, or downright evil things. But until probably a year, to a year-and-a-half ago, that was it. I did some volunteer work, basic things, and I had some semblance of caring about people- but I didn't truly have any idea of why I was doing what I was doing or if there was one thing I should focus on.

 Now as I've gotten older, I've developed strong opinions on lots of things. Sometimes they're not the most informed, sometimes they seem silly, sometimes they might border on conservative-in-a-bad-way, but I'm still growing as a person, and I'm still learning. I grew up around (majority) conservative, white, Christian, homeschooled families. And not that there's anything wrong with any of those things, but being around one group of people only doesn't really help you grow as a person.

 I'm not going to lie: most of my close friends are/were homeschooled, are Christian, and white, and conservative. But the thing is, we're a generation with internet access, and we can learn more about other people. I read articles all the time, written by & about people of color, and people with disabilities, people of other religions, and all different walks of life. Learning about other people is how you learn to be a better person. Once you see what your privilege is, once you learn about what other people have experienced, it helps you realize: wow, I need to work on this.

 It's the same way with politics, laws, history, and important world figures. I know who I'm voting for during this presidential election* and I know where I stand on health care, and still stand on abortion & gun issues, and where I stand on protecting the rights & lives of all people from all kinds of lives & beliefs.

 *Which is another opinion I've formed: that voting is good. Growing up, I believed what other people around me believed, until I got older and did my own research, and decided that if person after person decides one vote doesn't count, who's to say that one candidate won't win just because enough people didn't show up that day to vote for them?

 I still struggle sometimes, don't get me wrong- I hate confrontation. I talk a lot of talk but I find it troublesome to actually take action on some occasions, because I don't want to rock the boat. But you have to. If people dislike you because you've made your own opinions, then they never liked you anyway- they liked the version of you that made them happy & comfortable.

 But the thing is, now that I'm older, and I see that my generation is going to be the one that has to change things, I've decided that my voice matters. Every single voice (person) matters. The loud ones. The quiet ones. The non-verbal ones. The signed ones. The typed ones. If you have something to say, let it be your truth. Let it be known that you stand for what you care about.

 I've spent too long, staying quiet, silently being an ally to racism, sexism, and discrimination in any & all forms and not even realizing it that I now know that you have to speak up. I've found my voice- and if you're struggling- I'm here to help you find yours.

-Hannah

h u r t

 There a handful of things that feel like a constant in my life. Loneliness, regret, hurt, and failure/fear of failure. And I'd be lying if I said I felt like things were going great right now. I'm pushing my friends away (some for good reasons, honestly) and only have one true, solid friendship right now that I feel 100% confident in.

 And this probably sounds horrible, like I don't trust people, especially those friends of mine who may feel hurt that I've said this. It's not that you've done anything wrong. I certainly hope I haven't wronged you. It's not through anything either of us have done or where our relationship stands, but I'm so tired of being burned.

 I'm always a second pick. I'm someone that people can turn to when they're hurting. I will welcome you with open arms and listen, or give advice, or whatever it is you may need. I get it. I've probably been there. I love you and I want to make sure you know it. I'm always available.

 And that's my issue.

 I'm not good at creating boundaries. I don't want to be rude, I don't want to be pushy. So then I become a doormat. I become a catch-all for other people's feelings, hurts, traumas. And I'm tired of it, so I've started creating boundaries, but it's always with the wrong people. And it makes things worse. And so then I stop altogether, I falter and flounder until I'm trapped.

 Like I said, I have one good friend of mine who is always there for me. I can count on her for anything, and vice versa. She's my partner in crime and confidant. She listens to me bawling my eyes out in a hotel bathroom over FaceTime at midnight.

 My other friends say they're there for me. That we're thick as thieves. But thieves turn on each other. And that's when I end up crying in a hotel bathroom at midnight.

 I don't want to hurt anymore. Between the physical and mental... it's all just too much. I want to be happy. I want to do the things that make me happy with people I don't have to tiptoe around. I want to live life to the fullest extent I can. I want to push past my physical limitations and stop feeling so emotionally vulnerable.

 I can't even speak my truths to my therapist because sometimes it feels stupid. Everything that happens isn't as bad as it seems. It's minor overreactions. But I'm trapped in these feelings and every.thing.hurts.

 I'm tired of being the black sheep. I'm tired of being the outsider looking in. I always have a foot in the door and the rest of my body out. Sometimes people are grabbing me and pulling me further in, only to suddenly turn and push my whole self out of the doorframe.

 So many of my relationships are hanging by a thread. My art's taken a darker turn. There's more self portraits now, and I'm never smiling. It's not intentional. I like drawing smiles. But I don't feel like I, myself, can do it anymore. Everything makes me break down.

 I want to be bold and brave and joyful. I want to focus on God & myself and let that be enough. But I just can't. The people around me are hurting me and half the time don't even know it. I'm being held at arm's length so much. Do they forget me, or ignore me on purpose?

 I don't know what hurts worse anymore.

The One About Relationships

Hello everybody,

 Today I'm going to be talking about boys... so that's... fun. Or more specifically, romance, specifically among teenagers.

 I, myself, have never been in a relationship of any sort. Until just recently, I didn't even really talk to many guys except for one or two I'd grown up with, and even now I don't regularly hang out with guys. If you don't get to know someone, it's hard for a relationship to develop; and I think that's something I've been thinking about a lot lately.

 I am not someone who is good at reaching out to get to know people. I'm always terrified of things coming across as creepy or awkward, and then I end up avoiding it altogether. Friendships are a struggle and romantic relationships? Forget it.

 But due to this, I've been able to see my friends & peers go on dates and develop relationships. Watching from the outside, it's quite interesting to see how relationships come about. I have friends who have already gotten married, friends who have never dated/gotten married, friends who are casually dating, friends who are in a official relationship... and I guess the thing that I've learned through all of that is to not let your relationship status define you.

 People, especially teenagers and young adults, seem so keen on letting their relationships define themselves. I know there's this desire to love and to be loved- but it doesn't have to be romantic. There is joy in just learning about yourself, loving friends and loving family. Everyone has a different time line. Some people don't ever get married or date, and that's totally fine, too. Your worth, value, and personality is not determined by who you are-or-aren't with.

 There is a boy I like, and that's okay. But I'm not in any rush to pursue a relationship, because I need to work on myself first. Me, myself & I. Above all, I know that God loves me. And truly, that trumps any relationship here on earth, romantic or platonic. Because I know that no matter what my relationship status is, God is always there. He is always looking out for me, and that's all I need to know.

 Ciao for now,
 Hannah Bailey

Post-Grad Grumblings

Hello y'all,

 This post is a heavily-vent-y post, because I've been very frustrated and, truth be told, hurt, lately. I'm giving a small language warning for this post. If you don't like it- please just go past this post. Now, moving on. It's graduation season again, and that means I've been out of high school for a year.

 Like, what??? How did that happen?

 The frustration comes in when I see everyone celebrating my friends and family members who are almost graduated from high school/just graduated. I worked my ass off for years, through living hell as I experienced lots of trauma and depressive episodes, and managed to graduate 2 years early. I'm already in college, if I start doing a full course load I could graduate in 4ish semesters with my associate's degree.

 And yet I got none of the recognition that came from it. I invited a ton of people to my graduation party and I had 3 of my close friends show up, as well as a few of my mom's friends, but we shared a graduation party because she graduated with her bachelor's at that point.

 Which, I love my mom, and I know she'll read this, and it's something we've talked about before. But I do regret this. Since I didn't have a graduation ceremony, the one celebration I had, I had to share. And I'm proud and happy that she graduated, but it also left me with a feeling of not being good enough because here I am, excited about HS graduation, and she just graduated with her bachelor's from college. But that's not really the main issue, it's just the lack of people who've really seemed happy for me.

 I appreciate my friends who came, don't get me wrong. Those three girls coming made me so happy- but it doesn't change the fact that pretty much none of my family showed up. Other friends, mentors, and people in my life couldn't take half an hour to just stop by. That's all I wanted.

 I know you should do things for yourself, but it hurts when it feels like no one genuinely cares, about something other people have a big deal made out of. Half of my family doesn't even realize I graduated- and no one has bothered to care anyway, because I was homeschooled, so obviously I'm not truly educated. I didn't have a graduation ceremony and since barely anyone showed up to my party, it sends a pretty big vibe of 'screw you'.

 I've always tried to prove people wrong, show them that I'm smart, but the truth is? I just don't care anymore. I'm so tired of it. When no one cares enough to ask how school is going, or see how I'm doing, I just don't care.

 I. Just. Don't. Care. Anymore.

 Don't get me wrong, I'm thrilled for my friends and family who are graduating, truly. I'm so proud of them, whether it's college or HS. It's a big deal and I'm so glad and excited to see where God is going to open doors for you next.

 I just wish people cared enough about what He was opening up for me.

 And I do appreciate what people did do for me; those who cared enough to show up, or wish me congratulations, and my church at the time for including me in the grad recognition ceremony. I love them/you all and I can't thank you enough.

 But I also really wish that the other people in my life, the ones who are supposed to care about me and my accomplishments, actually did. I wish I'd been able to have a ceremony. I wish I didn't feel sick when I look at my diploma. But most of all? I wish I could stop being so upset about it all.

 Ciao,
Hannah

Identity Crisis

Hello,

 I've talked a lot on here lately about stepping out of my comfort zone; and that hasn't changed. I've been really thrown for a loop lately with a lot of things, but I mean it's good, it's changing me for the better.

 Something though, that is going to be a huge change, is that I'm not really calling myself a dancer anymore. I still love dance; it's been a huge part of my life and has helped me grow so much as a person through it. I can't guarantee I'd be here to type this today if I hadn't had dance to help me through my really bad mental health as a child/young teen.

 But the thing is... I need a break. I'm tired and I'm realizing that's not where I need to be anymore; I need to re-prioritize things and figure out where I stand with dance, and re-remember why I dance. And that's going to take time. But all good things take time, you know? It's like that saying, Rome wasn't built in a day or however it goes.

 And through this, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared. I am absolutely terrified. Dance has been such a huge part of my identity for so long, and all of a sudden, it's just a part of me that isn't a part of my day-to-day life anymore. It's not something I have to hold at the forefront of my mind.

 I'm struggling in some ways, because I'm just changing a lot. I'm trying to put my identity in Christ instead of in the world. And sometimes it goes really well... and sometimes, it goes really bad. But I know that the one constant I have, whether I'm doing good or not, is that God never stops loving me. Which is good, because we humans mess up ~a lot~.

 My interests are just changing, and my personality is changing, and my perception of the world is changing, and my relationships are changing. Everyone is getting older. Out of my 5 best friends, I am officially the youngest- and I'm 17 (and a 1/4).

 I'm having an identity crisis, I guess you could say. I'm not this anxious, people-pleasing little girl who always wears bracelets and hats as some weird sort of protection from the world anymore. I'm not a teenager who thinks she knows everything and hates people. I'm not this girl who spends all her time feeding into outward activities anymore.

 I don't really know who I am anymore. But God does. And that's good enough for me.

Ciao,
Hannah

Jealousy & Anger & Exhaustion, Oh My!

Hey guys,

 This post is going to be super vent-y and maybe just a little whiney, so please just bear with me.

 I feel like I'm running on empty anymore. It's that tiredness that becomes one with your soul and like, sinks into your bones. It makes you feel like your whole body is made of lead and you're just dragging alone, hoping and praying that you don't collapse.

 I felt like saying I don't know why, but I do. I really, truly do. Things honestly aren't bad right now- but they're busy, so very busy, and at night when I lie down I still can't sleep because I'm just so wound up from the daytime. I just can't get my brain to quiet down for five minutes. I keep thinking about what I need to do tomorrow... and the next day... and this weekend... and next week... it never stops.

 It. Never. Stops.

 And then there's the jealousy. I'm struggling with this really bad again. It's been a while since I've had a really bad bout of jealousy, but it's kicking my butt here lately. It's a big issue, because I want to just be happy for my friends, and happy for myself, and not compare the two and wish I had things the way they do.

 The worst part is, it's never easy stuff to get over. It's not friends who have giant wardrobes, or the newest tech, or cool beauty products. I couldn't care less. I'm happy with what I have as far as that goes. It's the big stuff, the relationships, the talents, the opportunities. And it irks me to my core that I can't just get over it. And that leads to the anger. I don't know what I'm angry at. Everything, I guess? It's like I'm a pot just always on the verge of boiling over the top. Always a step from the edge. Always an inch away from a mile.
 It's affecting my relationships. I'm shutting people out again. I'm breaking off friendships without meaning too, or wanting too... my emotions are clouding my vision, and I hate it, because my logic is so flawed that, pardon my language, either way I go, I'm screwed.

 Like I said, I just needed to vent. I've been sick the past two Mondays and haven't been able to make it to my counseling appointments so I'm struggling with keeping a clear mind. I need to go draw and get this out of my system.

Ciao for now,
Hannah

Thinking & Grieving

Hello guys,

 Today hasn't been a bad day. It's been the opposite, actually. We just adopted a new kitty (named Mittens, who is super cute), saw some friends and my grandparents, I got a birthday card from some friends of mine that made me smile, ate good food... all in all, it really has been a good day.

 But it's also March 9th.

 49 years ago today, my Dad was born, but he's not here to celebrate with us.

 I can't stop thinking. It's like my brain is suddenly rocketing full-throttle into oblivion without a cause or reason. I think I'm good, I think I'm over the grieving process, and then it starts all over again. Some days it's so bad I feel like throwing up, other days I don't think about my Dad at all.

 Then, my brother & I were just watching tv, and there's this show we watch on the Disney channel called Coop & Cami Ask the World. It's not a great show, and it's not educational or truly beneficial in any way, but I get it. The Wrather kids- Coop, Cami, and their two siblings- lost their dad, and are still working through the grieving process, which is apparent in some of the episodes.

 In the episode we're on, Cami had an angry/upset breakdown over directed at their mom's boyfriend. This isn't something specifically that I relate to, because my mom isn't currently dating, but it's still there in the back of my mind that it's a possibility at some point.

 But the point is, is that I understand everything feeling okay, until all of a sudden there's all these reminders about this person from someone else, this person you'll never get to see again, and it all comes flooding back too quickly to process through.

 The tears make the words get stuck in your throat and your vision goes dark and all you can feel is how angry you are. How sad you are. How tired you are.

 I'm so tired. Tired of grieving. Tired of missing him. Tired of him missing things. Tired of not being able to control it. Tired of being angry. Just... tired. Exhausted, even. Physically and mentally... there has not been a day since Dad died that I have not been tired. It's like, no matter how happy I am, no matter what I'm doing, no matter what about anything, I cannot stop being tired.

 There's not much of a point to this, except to say I'm tired and I miss my Dad. I miss his terrible jokes and ugly Hawaiian-print shirts. I miss his dorky smile and stories from work, I miss sharing new music with him, I miss late-night trips to the dollar store as a family.

 Things weren't perfect then, things aren't perfect now, and things may be better, but I still really, really miss him.

Signing off,
Hannah

Society & Serial Killers

Hello everybody.

 Today's post is going to contain things that are potential triggers for some people (death, primarily), and links to articles referenced also contain many triggers (death, rape, etc.) so if you decide to read it or click on the links, just proceed with caution. Take care of yourself!

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 Why is society so obsessed with serial killers, and death, and destruction? You may be thinking, "what?" and honestly, I am too, but not for the same reason. Many people feed off of the darkness and negativity of people who have committed and are committing absolutely horrendous crimes.

 In an article in Psychology Today from 2017, author Scott A. Bonn says, "When you bring up the name of an infamous real-life predator such as such as Ted Bundy or Jeffrey Dahmer in conversation with a group of people, it is clear that serial killers are a popular topic. Some people actually become gleeful while discussing them. Why is that?"
 In the same article, Bonn states, "I believe that the public loves serial killers for a number of interrelated reasons. First, they are rare in the business of murder with perhaps 25 or so operating at any given time in the U.S. They and their crimes are exotic and tantalizing to people much like traffic accidents and natural disasters. Serial killers are so extreme in their brutality and so seemingly unnatural in their behavior that people are drawn to them out of intense curiosity."

 In this sense, it explains why so many people enjoy true-crime shows and documentaries- and often consider these things a guilty pleasure. If I ask people what kind of shows they like, it tends to be an after-thought thrown in, or someone confessing somewhat red-faced that they know it's weird, but they enjoy true-crime type shows, or even just crime shows in general.

 "Dr. [Elizabeth] Rutha says this type of emotion is taught to be suppressed or is dangerous like a guilty pleasure. She says that watching a true crime about a brutal killing allows people to experience some of their darkest emotions without acting on them. It also provides an outlet to connect to fear or anger in a safe and controlled environment." is an excerpt from an article on eHealth News, and that brings up another question- is this strange obsession opening the door to more people learning how to commit horrible crimes?

 In an article published by the BBC and written by Michael Bond, he talks about a man named John Schwenk, who has numerous paintings done by serial killers, not to mention many other things he has found or received from serial killers. One paragraph from this article is as follows:
 "Schwenk owns thousands of letters from serial killers on death row, many of them addressed to him personally. They have sent him locks of hair, a prison shirt, a prison ID card, a set of false teeth, some unused dental floss and other oddities of dark provenance. He has got to know some of these pen pals and even considers a few of them friends. “I’m interested in what possesses somebody to kill another human being, and to do it numerous times,” he says. He acknowledges that one or two of them are 'really scary'."

 This sort of perversion, this obsession, with people who have committed horrific things, is astounding. You bring up the name Jack the Ripper, Ted Bundy, Jeffrey Dahmer, and people immediately know who they are, much the way you would bring up a celebrity, like Taylor Swift or Chris Hemsworth. It's strange to know how insanely popular they are that they have become a household name; and while its estimated there are only 2-dozen serial killers 'active' at any given time, who's to say that this is truly the case?
 With thousands upon thousands of unsolved crimes, especially murders, who knows if some of these cases could be connected to one person- and if they are perhaps still out, blending in with the rest of society.

 While there is nothing wrong with watching a show like CSI, or learning facts from a documentary on television, the obsession with serial killers seems wrong. You may simply be thinking, "thank God that's not me," or even that something like that could never happen to you- and while that is almost true, since relying on solved cases, the chance of it happening is very slim- it is always a possibility that someone out there could be the next victim.

 Life is not a game, and it needs to be respected and revered- and serial killers, people who take away multiple lives, do not need to be.

Thank you for reading my rambling- this is just something that has been bothering me lately, with the rise of interest in crime in television, magazines, and books- people have become so desensitized that no one truly thinks about the loved ones that people have lost to these horrible people.

Ciao,

Hannah

Lost In My Own Appearance

Hello everyone,

 Writing this post was really a struggle. Trying to be vulnerable is hard. I've been becoming increasingly better at it, but it sometimes borders on whining when I'm with certain people, or I become closed off all together with other people.

 Almost everyday (except when I stay home all day) for the past 2 or 3 years, I've worn make up in some way, shape, or form. I actually don't usually wear foundation or concealer, but otherwise, my face is caked in highlighters and brow fillers and eyeliner. What started out as a way to gain a sense of independence and an art form turned into something that became a chore.
 Then, one day a few weeks ago, I was sick. I looked in the mirror, and realizing I had to leave the house but didn't feel like doing my make up, I just didn't do it. And it was freeing.
 I didn't realize it, but I've become so dependent on make up that I forgot what it was like to leave the house without wearing any. I've always been concerned with my eyes looking big and bright, with my eyebrows being full and perfectly shaped, that I forgot to just learn how to comfortable in my own skin.

 Looking in the mirror and finally seeing someone who is confident without her eyebrows done up and eyelashes dark and full, is an amazing feeling. I'm tearing up just writing about it- I'm learning to stop apologizing for not wearing make up, learning to just be unashamedly me.
 These things take time, but it's worth it. Finding this confidence is so helpful because it feeds into other aspects of my life. Here recently, my siblings, one of my best friends, and I tried out for the play Annie at a new acting group. I sang a solo at the audition- and it was optional to do so. I would have never had the courage to do that a few months ago, even a few weeks ago.

 I can't say with total assurance that not wearing make up all the time is the only reason my confidence has grown, but I know without a doubt it has played a big part in it. I got together with one of my other friends the other day without a stitch of make up on my face. I had literally never done that before (except for when I was, like, 6) and although it was strange, it made me happy.
 Sometimes letting go of the things that we think are a life saver makes us realize we can swim just fine. Being lost in my own appearance made me lose sight of the things that truly matter- my friends and my family- and forced me to get up way earlier than I needed to just in order to get ready for the day.

 I'm not sworn off make up. It's an amazing art form and I still love the look of my eyebrows when I fill them in. Eyeliner is a ton of fun and lipstick is the coolest thing ever. However, I am sworn off letting it control my life.

 I love myself, make up or no make up.

Ciao,
Hannah

Child, Teen, Adult; Rinse & Repeat.

 Life is just nuts right now. There's no other way to put it; some days, I just feel like I'm losing my mind. That's not to say that things are bad per say, but I don't feel like I have a good grip on life right now, and my relationships, physical + mental health, and most importantly my faith are experiencing struggles right now because of it.

 Lots of things, that aren't actually all that sudden, feel like they are happening suddenly and very rapidly. I am nearly done with everything I need to get my driver's license- just complete a few more hours and then I need to pass my driver's test. My graduation 'party' is this weekend.
 My mom has officially been working outside the home for over 2 weeks now. Dance has started back in full swing (and my body is not loving me for it). I start my English 1111 class at our community college in October, and I have 2 sort-of "part time jobs" plus a babysitting gig once in awhile.

 My sister turns 14 this month, my mom turned 40 last month, my brother is less than a year to teen-hood, and realization is sinking in that I'm closer to being a legal adult than I am to being a child. It's... slightly terrifying, to be frank.

 I don't exactly miss childhood, necessarily, just miss the naivety and such, I guess; it's like, I wanted so badly to be an adult when I was younger, and then for 2-3 years, my siblings & I had a lot of growing up in a really short time span and now I wish I could be growing up at a normal pace. I feel like there's all of these really childish things that are very grounding to me. Stuffed animals, hair bows, chocolate milk, things like that all help calm me down.

 It's like I have these things that kind of got lost to younger me, that are odd for a 16 year old to like or enjoy, and then some things I do make people think I'm an "old soul" or wise beyond my years or whatever stuff adults spout off to teens who are somewhat mature. I feel like I'm wedged between two different lives, two different times, and I'm neither one of them, yet I am also both.

 I don't have much of a reason for this post, other than to vent, and I know it's rather short but that's really all I had to say, so this is Hannah, signing off 'til next time.

 I love you guys. Ciao for now.
 -Hannah

Why You Should Watch Miraculous Ladybug

Hello lovely people!

 Today I'm going to be talking about the many reasons why I think you should watch Miraculous Ladybug (or, the long title, Miraculous: Tales of Ladybug & Cat Noir.)
 The IMDb description of Miraculous is "Marinette and Adrien, two normal teens, transform into superheroes Ladybug and Chat Noir when an evil threatens their city." which is a pretty good explanation, honestly. Marinette Dupain-Cheng and Adrien Agreste are two fairly normal Parisian teenagers, except they both have a secret identity, as superheroes who keep Paris safe, under the namesakes of Ladybug and Chat Noir (or, alternately, Cat Noir).

 Of course, Miraculous is a children's TV show, and so obviously there's some cheesy episodes and bad jokes and such, but overall, it has a really sweet message, the characters are interesting, and there's really creative fans who put some really creative twists on the show through art & fan-fiction.
 Now, to actually get on with this post, here are my top 5 reasons why you should watch Miraculous Ladybug!

1) IT'S THE MAGICAL GIRL STORY LINE WITH A TWIST

 It's not quite Sailor Moon, it's not quite Spider-Man; it's Ladybug, and she's a pretty magical girl in her own right, but she's also a pretty unique superhero on her own; she's a blend of genres with CGI animation that makes it feel like something classic, yet totally new at the same time.

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2) THERE IS A HUGE & DIVERSE CAST OF CHARACTERS

Marinette Dupain-Cheng herself is half Chinese, half French; many of the other characters have different skin colors & tones, ethnicities, diverse body types & heights, and interesting little attributes to their designs, as well.
This is a really special thing, and even the 'mean girl' in the show has never used (within my memory) any kind of physical appearance thing to be rude/make fun of anybody, so there isn't that influence on young children, which is great!

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3) THERE'S UNIQUE VILLAINS
Some of the villains in the show are pretty cheesy, I'm not going to lie. But they're all very unique and different, and rather than having them be villains from another planet or dimension or something, they are all from Earth and have been "akumatized" by the main villain, Hawkmoth, using magic. They could be anyone, even friends or family, of our two leading superheroes.

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4) A FRUSTRATING YET INTRIGUING AND EXCITING LOVE SQUARE

When they're not in superhero form, Marinette has a huge crush on Adrien. In superhero form, Chat Noir has a huge crush on Ladybug. Which also means Adrien has a crush on Ladybug; and the pairing of Marinette and Chat Noir has been hinted at, as they both seem to have these little inklings of a crush without knowing that no matter who they are at any given moment, they're always pining after the same person!
It's an exciting, thrilling, kind of frustrating that keeps you on the edge of your seat.

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5) THE PLOT KEEPS GETTING BETTER

As the show goes on, the lore around the kwamis, the miraculouses, and the heroes becomes more and more in depth and intriguing. More characters become introduced, new plot lines form, and everything is like a giant inter-connected web. It's fun to follow all of the characters and how they all tie in to the story at any given moment, and it just keeps getting better & better...
and we're only on season 2!

 What do you think of Miraculous Ladybug? Do you watch it, and if so, who's your favorite character? And if not, do you think you'll try it at some point? Let me know down below!

Ciao!
Hannah

Why I Love Barbie

Hello lovelies!

 Barbie dolls have always gotten a lot of flack for numerous different reasons- they're not realistic. They're teaching girls to be too revealing. They're teaching girls not to love themselves. The company & dolls are doing this... and this... and this...

 But Barbie has come so far, you guys! I'm 16, so I may a bit old to be playing with toys, but I love to collect them, and Barbie dolls are some of my favorites. Barbie is doing some really cool stuff, I've got to say; there's so many different skin tones, eye colors, face molds, hair colors/styles/types, and even body types now! It may be a late start but Mattel is going full-throttle into this new, super positive spin on Barbie.

 One thing I'm especially happy about is the Barbie channel on YouTube. Barbie now "hosts" a vlog of her very own, an animated web series that is sometimes funny, sometimes inspiring, and a lot of times really positive.
 She talks about how people say sorry too much. She talks about being yourself. She talks about bullying. She talks about 'feeling blue' and mental health, in a way that younger kids will understand, but it's really relatable for older teens and adults as well.
 Barbie is truly changing and is becoming a whole new person- er, doll- for the next generation of not only girls, but boys, too- the Barbie vlogs are encouraging to girls & boys alike, so little brothers can enjoy watching it with their sister(s).

 Even in the newest Barbie web-series/tv show, Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures, which you can find on Netflix, things are rapidly progressing. The show is still comical and light-hearted, but isn't so heavily comedy-based like Life in the Dreamhouse or as cheesy as some of the previous Barbie-brand movies released along the years.
 There's a wide, diverse cast of characters, and it focuses on Barbie's relationship with her sisters a lot which is so great to see, because so often siblings are presented as fighting like cats and dogs, when in reality, some families actually enjoy spending time with their siblings.
 Ken and Barbie either aren't dating, or it's extremely lessened (he is the Roberts' [Barbie's family] next-door neighbor in this spin on Barbie) to a point where it's all in good fun and not as heavily saturated in romantic stuff (of course, there's nothing wrong with that, but the show is geared for 5-11 year olds who have far more important things to worry about).

 I just really appreciate where they're taking the Barbie brand. There's such a wide range of dolls and personalities and careers and movies, and it just keeps getting better & better. Barbie is truly a classic doll that is shaping up to be a truly classic role model, too.

Ciao,
Hannah

Fandom Toxicity

Hello lovelies!

 So I want to bring something up today about something that's been bothering me a lot lately; namely, toxicity within fandoms.
 The definition of a fandom is a 'fanatic domain' or 'fanatic kingdom' depending on who you ask. Anyway it is, they can be a really great thing! You can meet really cool people with similar interests, and learn more about yourself along the way. But the thing is... fandoms aren't always a great thing.

 One thing, is being part of a fandom mindset- a hive mind, if you will- is that people band together and can be real jerks to other people within a fandom, creators of a show/authors/artists, even to the point of literally harassing actors and others in real life.
 It's ridiculous how rude people can be to those they claim to love; being in a fandom feels like it's a war with many, many battles where no one ever has the upper-hand, but they always think that they do. It's idiotic, to put it simply.

 One thing that promotes a lot of toxicity/anger are ships. Ship is just an abbreviation for relationship, whether it be romantic or platonic or whatever. So often, people get so attached to a 'ship' that they cause 'ship-wars' within a fandom.
 A prime example of this is the Star vs. the Forces of Evil fandom; some people are die-hard 'Starco' shippers. Most (not all) people in the fandom support Starco (the romantic relationship between Star Butterfly and Marco Diaz, the two main characters) and are extremely rude to people who ship anything else... even when it's not a threat to what ship they want to become canon (canon = actually happens in the book/show/movie/etc).

 Fans can just be really obsessive people. It's great to love things, and support the people who you think are awesome, but it can be absolutely horrendous when celebrities or fandom-celebs (popular fan artists, fan-fiction authors, etc) do something that fans don't like.
 People just get nasty and it's terrible. I simply can't comprehend how people can claim to love something and then turn around and hate other people who are just doing things because they love it or are/were involved in the creation of it.

 A lot of the time I choose to distance myself from fandoms because people can be so rude. I shouldn't have to do that, nor should anyone else! We should be supporting each other in our love for whatever it is that you love.
 So my advice is this: check yourself before you wreck yourself. Be kind. Don't hate celebrities just because they've done something you don't like- they are human, just like you & I. Agree to disagree and just let yourself love things and enjoy it. Just let it be enough.

Ciao!
Hannah

Movie Review:: Jurassic Park: Fallen Kingdom

Hello lovelies!

 So, on June 22nd my family & I went to go see Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom. I'm going to jump into the review here in a minute, but I want to preface this by saying the Jurassic Park + Jurassic World movies are basically my all-time favorite movies, so I may be a bit biased.
 Many, many people seem to dislike this movie, calling it simply a 'popcorn blockbuster', and it only has a 50% rating on Rotten Tomatoes and a 6.7 rating on IMDB, from what I can tell. Which is sad, because this is truly a spectacular movie.

 No, Fallen Kingdom is not historically accurate, scientifically accurate, or even remotely accurate to what the original Jurassic Park idea was- but it's emotional, thrilling, and endearing in its own right. The movie picks up 3 or 4 years after Jurassic World closed down, and the movie begins with showing us the decrepit, falling apart park, and two men in a deep-sea sub.
 It was an odd beginning, perhaps, but it led to an amazing story; I don't want to continue to tell anything of what happens, as this is supposed to spoiler-free, but the action picks up quickly; the plot is entertaining to adults, children, & teens alike, and the fast-paced excitement of dinosaurs and danger is exciting for generally all focus groups as well.

 Chris Pratt and Bryce Dallas Howard resume their roles as the wonderful Owen Grady and Claire Dearing, and there's no question as to some of what happened during the years we don't see on screen. The two's playful, somewhat angsty, but always entertaining banter continues through the whole movie.
 Brand new characters, such as Maisie Lockwood (Isabella Sermon), Eli Mills (Rafe Spall), and Zia Rodriguez (Daniella Pineda), lend new, exciting story lines to the plot and create some really interesting dynamics within the movie.
 Something else exciting is the return of Ian Malcolm (Jeff Goldblum), even if it was just a few brief cameo scenes & voice overs, which is a real treat for anyone who is a big fan of the original movies.

 The plot was a little bit chaotic as there were many smaller, but still very important, sub-plots going on amongst the larger story, but it is extremely exciting and entertaining nonetheless.
 The emotional output in this movie is heavy, and I know I wish I had brought tissues! There's quite a few sad or bittersweet scenes which may cause some tears to come to your eyes. The CGI is fantastic, and there's quite a lot of humor and funny scenes, but the whole movie moves quickly and keeps you glued to your seat.

 I highly recommend going to see this movie, even if you're not a big fan of the original movies, if you're just looking for something to do. It's such a good movie and a lot of fun to watch!

Ciao!
Hannah

Life of a Teenager

Hello lovelies,

 Today I'm going to talk a little bit about the life of a teenager; the side title could also be, "life according to the viewpoint of Hannah Bailey, a teenage girl."
  Basically, when I was younger I had this grand vision of what teenager-hood would be like, based on books, movies, and television. It would be so much fun; there'd be wild parties, I'd go to stores and act like a dork with my friends, and I'd hang out at the mall every weekend.
 It seemed simple, exciting, and perhaps luxurious.

 But it's most definitely not like that. At least, not for me, and not for my most of my friends. Social anxiety, a bad economy, and distrusting adults take up most of my time. Instead, I sit here, downing a cup of off-brand soda and writing a blog post that no one will read.
 It's not bad, necessarily. I mean, it's good to be level-headed, mature, and responsible. But sometimes I just want to have fun and I feel like I have to always be those 3 things; most of my teenage years this far have been complaining about my bad joints, drawing useless fan-art, and filling out applications for jobs that no one wants to give me.

 It's like, I'm trying really hard to be a good kid, a good person, and above all, a good Christian, but sometimes I feel like I'm just going through the motions. I'm trying to be open to God, and listen to what He's saying, but I'm not going to lie- I've been struggling with my faith lately.
 It's not at all that I don't believe in God, it's quite the opposite, actually. I believe in God so strongly but it feels like I'm not hearing His voice lately and I feel a little bit lost, as if I don't know where to go, or what I'm supposed to do with my life.

 And that brings me to my next thing; I'm getting ready to graduate. And I am really, really excited because I'm so, so, so close to being done with all of this (I can only learn about flora/fauna & Napoleon for so long).
 But a bunch of my friends have graduated her recently and it's really weird, because it's like... we're all getting older. We're growing up. Things are changing and shifting really fast and nothing is the same anymore. It's such a peculiar experience, in all honesty, and you don't have a choice- life is going to just keep going on & on.
 And with graduating, I'm going to start at our local community college in the Fall, and I'm trying to find a job. It's so weird to suddenly have all of these adult responsibilities and not even have my driver's license yet (which is not too far off- I'm almost done with driver's ed!).

 I guess all I'm saying with this post is that everything is weird and slightly awkward when you're a teenager. Happiness is such a hard thing to comprehend and achieve, let alone pure contentment. All of the things that seemed so exciting and easy as a little kid is suddenly way different and either nonexistent or really hard.
 Most of my friends are too busy to hang out anymore and the things I used to love just aren't exciting anymore. Everything kind of feels like a chore and I'm always tired. When you're young, you want to be older. You can't wait until you're old enough to make & manage money, do stuff with friends, and just be super independent.
 Now, I just want to be 7 again. When nothing was confusing, and weird, and hard. I wasn't stressed out and lonely and a little bit scared of the future.

 Right now, I'm just praying and trying to find my way in this crazy game of life; just taking things in stride, one step at a time. Life can be hard sometimes, but you just have to be positive. Being a teenager is an awkward, sweaty, and sometimes awful experience, but it can also be really nice. It gives you time to prepare for the world of full-adulthood and you learn who your true friends are. It's a true learning experience.
 And that's just the life of a teenager.

Ciao,
Hannah

Father's Day

Hello lovelies,

 First of all, I want to start off with wishing all the good dads & grand-dads out there a very happy father's day! I hope you have a wonderful day.

 However, this post is less about father's day itself, and more about some realizations I've had and things I need to work through. For a while, I felt like I wasn't allowed to feel emotion about my dad's death because some people have had it worse with toxic, or abusive, fathers. But I can't deny that I've been struggling.

 Father's day for me has seemingly gotten easier each year after my dad passed away, but for some reason, today... it's struck me hard. Not in a teary-sad-crying kind of way, but it's like all of a sudden it's settled into the pit of my stomach that he's gone.
 It's such a weird feeling.

 Like, one of the ways I coped (and still have to this day, I guess) after his death was to pretend that he was on a trip, and he'd be back soon. We'd open the door and there he'd be, in a Hawaiian shirt with his ridiculous grin plastered across his face, saying how he was so glad to be home.
 But that's not going to happen.

 We live in a new house now. It's a nice house, I suppose, but it's never felt like home to me... I can't quite pin-point why, but lately I've been thinking about how my dad is never going to set foot in this house.
 He'll never see my paintings that I've worked so hard on hanging on my bedroom wall. He'll never again yell at my brother to clean up his 'pig sty of a room'. He'll never complain about my sister's odd collections again.

 We don't even have any pictures of him hanging up anywhere... and we have a LOT of stuff hanging up. Which isn't bad, because there's not this constant, hanging reminder of who's not here anymore, but sometimes I kind of forget what his face looks like. And his voice is all but gone from my mind.
 Which is understandable, we're going on 4 years, but... still.

 It's such a weird thing, too, because there's lots of pictures of him at my grandmother's house. I think she's very much so still in the beginning stages of grieving despite how much time has passed. It has to do with some beliefs she holds as well.
 Anyways, the pictures are weird because even though they're him... they don't feel like him. Some are so old they're from before I was born, or when I was really little, or maybe from when he was really little. There's some more recent ones, but a lot of them are blurry or very posed.

 I just get emotional because it's knowing how much he's missed or will miss. If any of my siblings & I get married, he won't be there. He never met one of my best friends, or many of my other friends either. He didn't get to see the first dance my sister & I choreographed.

 He didn't, and won't, see any of us turn 13, 16, 18, or 21... or any of the birthdays after or in-between. He didn't get to see me on my prom night, or know about my first job interview.
 He didn't get to see Christian learn how to mow the lawn and pick up his first Summer job, or get his orange belt in karate. He doesn't get to see how obsessed Bethanne is with cosplay, and wigs, and all of that, or know that she's picked up the drums, his favorite instrument.

 I need to go now; I guess I lied about it not being a weepy-sad kind of day. I try to be a positive person, but sometimes... sometimes it's really hard. And there's literally nothing that can be done about it. You just have to push through and fake it 'til you make it.
 But right now, I'm kind of tired of faking it. I really, really miss my dad.
 Like, a lot.

Ciao...
Hannah

Confession... I Have Polycystic Ovary Syndrome.

Hello lovelies,

 We've got a pretty serious post today, sorry. I'm in a pretty serious mood right now, and this is something I've been considering talking about for a while now.
 Anyway, we may as well start right into what this post is centered around, so here we go.

 I deal with Polycystic Ovary Syndrome.

 And I'm not going to lie... it really sucks.
 For those of you who don't know what PCOS is, it is something that only affects females, and this post is going to be very TMI-based and, perhaps, very gross and very uncomfortable (like I said, I'm not going to lie). If this bothers you, you might want to skip this post in its entirety.

"Polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS) is a set of symptoms due to elevated androgens (male hormones) in females." source

 I was officially diagnosed earlier this year, but I've been dealing with it for many years, based on my symptoms. Some of the symptoms of PCOS include irregular to no periods, excess body/facial hair, heavy periods, pain in the pelvic area, acne, difficulty becoming pregnant/infertility, and dark patches of skin.
 Some of the associated diseases include type 2 diabetes, obesity, mood disorders, heart disease, sleep apnea, and even cancer. Of course, every case is different, but no matter what it's like, it is never fun.

 I have always dealt with extremely irregular, painful periods. As of right now, I've been dealing with PMS symptoms for 2ish weeks, but I have not had a period since April. Towards the end of last year/beginning of this year, I had a period that lasted for nearly a month and a half. My whole body's female cycle has been completely thrown off balance.

 I deal with some of the other symptoms, too. Body hair, pain, acne, obesity, and some other stuff, too. Not only does it cause my physical appearance to suffer, it also affects the way I feel. Sometimes the periods are so bad I have to miss stuff I really want to do because I'm stuck in bed, waiting until I can take my next dose of ibuprofen.
 And sometimes, because things are so irregular, even when I try to track my periods, sometimes they start at really bad times and I won't have any feminine hygiene products readily available, or I'll be in public, or getting ready to go swimming or something and then my whole day just gets messed up over it.

 There are things to help with PCOS, like eating healthier/dieting, exercising, or even taking medicine, which is fantastic. However, from what I understand about this, there is no known cure or fix-all, you can only help alleviate your symptoms.

 I'm going to admit something else that I don't like to tell a lot of people, partly due to feeling like they may view me differently. I have been on birth control twice. The first pill I took made me feel really bad (that was a long while back) so I went off of it slowly.
 The second pill I was on, just after being diagnosed, worsened my depression and caused some thoughts to come back that I haven't even touched in at least a year- I dropped it immediately and felt better within a week.
 It's a rough place to be in, because it really does help regulate your periods/hormones some, and some meds can help improve the other symptoms over time, too, but sometimes your mental health just has to win out, the way it did in my case.

 Having this diagnosis has really helped me a lot. It's helped me to understand other women with PCOS better. It's helped me learn how to take these symptoms and make them somewhat better, through eating better and exercising more (which I love anyway). It's made me realize that the way I feel isn't all in my head, and I don't feel like a freak the way I did when I was a little kid. I've become more assertive about what I need.

 Once when I was younger (I think I was 10 or 11), I was out with two particular family members. I had recently started my cycle, but I thought I would be okay to go on this outing. Well, when we got to a restaurant for lunch, I had a breakdown in the bathroom and had to call my parents to come get me.
 The particular family members I was with were not happy at all with me and I felt horrible about it. Despite reassurance from my mom (and even my dad) that it was okay, that I was okay, that the whole thing was okay, I thought I had done something wrong by not pushing through the pain.
 I don't think one of those family members ever fully let it go, but now knowing why I have such wonky periods and the pain and everything from it has made me realize that it's not my fault. I can't control how other people respond to me, but I can make sure that I'm doing what's best for my body.

 So long story short is that you're not alone. There are many of us going through PCOS and we have to stand united. I know it stinks, I know it's rough, but I understand, and I am here for all of you.

Ciao,
Hannah

Personality Shift

Hello lovelies!

 When I was younger, I was a major over-achiever. I strived to fit this mold of perfection that I had created in my head. I was good at school, I had great prospects, I tried to be the best at everything I did (and got really upset when other's didn't try, or I couldn't be the best at something), I was honestly rather annoying.

 I was that kind of kid that adults love, and fellow children love to hate. I wasn't very athletic (I'm still not as far as sports go,) and I wasn't super friendly, but I was intelligent. Things seemed bright for my future, and I was very uppity-uppity about it.




 In the world I had created in my head, I was going to get straight A's and B's in school; I was going to get the Stars & Stripes award from American Heritage Girls, I was going to become a famous model who traveled the world and gave motivational speeches at fancy conferences.

 But then... I just got... tired. Tired of trying, tired of existing, tired of just... everything. I began to experience depression symptoms which didn't help, and I had a lot of friends, but at the same time, no friends. I pushed away the people who truly loved me for me, and hung out with friends who I am currently no longer friends with, or were just very, very toxic.

 There for a while, I coasted. As long as I had a passing grade, I didn't care. I dropped out of scouting, 4H, and... everything else. The only thing I do now is dance (which, honestly, I'm not complaining, because that's where my passion lies, but we'll get to that in a minute).

 I was constantly planning my future, but it was not something very attainable. Possible? Sure. Probable? Definitely not. My personality shifted entirely. I become this person that, frankly, I hated. It's not like I was this horrible, wretched person, but I just gave up. I had ambition, but no motivation to pursue anything. I slacked off on everything.

 I'm still really tired, but now, a few years down the road, my personality has shifted now. I'm a kinder person, or at least, I'm trying to be. I deal with a lot of social anxiety, but otherwise, I'm a much friendlier person than I was. I'm generally much happier, honestly.
 I've been going to counseling, and writing things down, which helps a lot. Getting the hard stuff off my chest has helped me to start focusing on the positive things in life.

 I'm not trying to say my life is perfect now. It's far from it, and I have a long way to go- but I'm getting there, and that's what matters. I've met some really amazing people and reconnected with old friends.
 I've gotten over some hurt from my past, both things that just happened and things that I caused to happen. I'm trying to be a light in the world. I'm growing in my faith, with my family, and in my community.
 I'm getting ready to graduate from high school and I'm working on getting my driver's license. I'm job searching, and working on some of my entrepreneurial endeavors.

 I still struggle, of course, but don't we all? The difference between now and then is I've finally learned to pray, cope, and think things through, and it's helping me grow into a kinder, better person. For once, I am totally okay with a personality shift.

Ciao!
Hannah

Beauty & Blessings

Hello, lovelies!

 It is so easy to get caught up in silly little things, like maybe your cat threw up a hairball again. And big things, like maybe you're having car troubles for the third time this month. And really just about anything, no matter what it is.
 I get caught up on jealousy. I get caught up on anger. I get caught up on all of these little 'injustices' in life but honestly... what is the point?

 I'm not going to lie, life can really suck sometimes. Like... reeeaaallllyyy bad. But all of these little bad things doesn't change the little good things that happen! Maybe a baby was just born. Maybe one of your friends just got an adorable new puppy and is about to send you a picture of it. Look at the fact that you are alive. You can smile. You can live your life, even if things are bad right now, you still exist with a beautiful purpose. Sometimes things that seem really bad are blessings in disguise. Sometimes the things that hurt the most, cause the most trouble, are the things that are going to shape your life into something even more wonderful than it already was!

 Blessings are an amazing, beautiful thing that are so often overlooked because we get trapped in bubbles of pity, either for ourselves or others, or doubt, or anxiousness, or really... anything. Mental health is such an important thing, but it's also such a hard thing- especially for people with mental illnesses, things like depression, anxiety, bpd, etc.,- to try to shape into something pleasant, and I totally understand that.

 Just take a deep breath and look around. Things may seem terrible right now, but something good is always around the corner, even if it's as small as finding a penny on the ground. Life can be beautiful as long as you're willing to look for the beauty within it.

Ciao!
Hannah

Possibility vs. Probability

Hello dears!

 Something I've been thinking about lately is my belief in the improbable. First, before I delve into this, I want to state that I am a devout Christian and my faith is the most important thing in my life- if I learn more about this and discover something Biblically that speaks against anything I mention in this post, I will change my view point.

 Now, let's begin. :)

 So, now if you know me even partially well, you probably know I love dinosaurs (obviously real, haha!), dragons, mythic creatures (obviously not real), and cryptids.

 Cryptid; noun
"An animal whose existence or survival is disputed or unsubstantiated, such as the yeti." source

 I like this idea that we are just one thing on this crazy world. Which, I mean, we obviously are, but I love learning about big creatures. It's exhilarating and terrifying to think of mammoth beasts walking the earth.
 When I began to get into cryptids, I was extremely doubtful. And technically, I still am. I'm not a die-hard believer that these creatures are real, but I do think that it's possible that these creatures exist.

 There is so much area unexplored- ESPECIALLY in the ocean, where supposedly only 5% or so of it has been completely 'discovered'- that we find new species- mostly small animals- all the time!

 I also think that God has a plan for all of his creatures, and that we, as humans, do not know the extent of his wondrous creation. God put Adam in charge of the creatures of the earth, and he named them, but so far down the line, after the Great Flood and everything, surely we do not know all of the creatures that were originally roaming the earth, and surely there are more extinct species than we know of.
 I am a FIRM believer that dragons did once exist (however, more dinosaur-like than fairytale-like) and am open to the possibility of many other creatures existing or having existed.
 However, some of these creatures seem obviously made up, silly, and frivolous. This is where the name of this post comes into play.

 I am 100% open to the possibility of these creatures existing, however the probability of many of them existing is probably lower than 1%.

 Anyways, that's my rambling for the day. It's just something that has been on my mind lately, and I felt led to talk about it on here a bit.

Ciao!
Hannah