h u r t

 There a handful of things that feel like a constant in my life. Loneliness, regret, hurt, and failure/fear of failure. And I'd be lying if I said I felt like things were going great right now. I'm pushing my friends away (some for good reasons, honestly) and only have one true, solid friendship right now that I feel 100% confident in.

 And this probably sounds horrible, like I don't trust people, especially those friends of mine who may feel hurt that I've said this. It's not that you've done anything wrong. I certainly hope I haven't wronged you. It's not through anything either of us have done or where our relationship stands, but I'm so tired of being burned.

 I'm always a second pick. I'm someone that people can turn to when they're hurting. I will welcome you with open arms and listen, or give advice, or whatever it is you may need. I get it. I've probably been there. I love you and I want to make sure you know it. I'm always available.

 And that's my issue.

 I'm not good at creating boundaries. I don't want to be rude, I don't want to be pushy. So then I become a doormat. I become a catch-all for other people's feelings, hurts, traumas. And I'm tired of it, so I've started creating boundaries, but it's always with the wrong people. And it makes things worse. And so then I stop altogether, I falter and flounder until I'm trapped.

 Like I said, I have one good friend of mine who is always there for me. I can count on her for anything, and vice versa. She's my partner in crime and confidant. She listens to me bawling my eyes out in a hotel bathroom over FaceTime at midnight.

 My other friends say they're there for me. That we're thick as thieves. But thieves turn on each other. And that's when I end up crying in a hotel bathroom at midnight.

 I don't want to hurt anymore. Between the physical and mental... it's all just too much. I want to be happy. I want to do the things that make me happy with people I don't have to tiptoe around. I want to live life to the fullest extent I can. I want to push past my physical limitations and stop feeling so emotionally vulnerable.

 I can't even speak my truths to my therapist because sometimes it feels stupid. Everything that happens isn't as bad as it seems. It's minor overreactions. But I'm trapped in these feelings and every.thing.hurts.

 I'm tired of being the black sheep. I'm tired of being the outsider looking in. I always have a foot in the door and the rest of my body out. Sometimes people are grabbing me and pulling me further in, only to suddenly turn and push my whole self out of the doorframe.

 So many of my relationships are hanging by a thread. My art's taken a darker turn. There's more self portraits now, and I'm never smiling. It's not intentional. I like drawing smiles. But I don't feel like I, myself, can do it anymore. Everything makes me break down.

 I want to be bold and brave and joyful. I want to focus on God & myself and let that be enough. But I just can't. The people around me are hurting me and half the time don't even know it. I'm being held at arm's length so much. Do they forget me, or ignore me on purpose?

 I don't know what hurts worse anymore.