Yet Another Life Update

    Ciao, y'all. It's been a long time since I've last posted on here, and honestly I don't have much of an excuse other than... I'm lazy and tired. And fairly busy, but also not? Life's been weird lately, y'all.

    At the point of me writing this, a lot has changed. I last posted in May of this year, so it's been a solid few months. Currently I'm sitting in my living room, while my mom & sister are both asleep in their respective bedrooms, my brother is live streaming himself playing Roblox in the computer room/kitchen, and my dogs & boyfriend are all three asleep next to me. 

    I've grown a lot as a person this year, in some good ways and some bad ways. I've grown to be a lot more honest about what I'm feeling- and right now, it's really depressed- which has been helpful to me, but I can also be a bit of a downer to be around anymore. 

    I haven't seen any of my friends much due to the virus and just general insanity, and it's definitely taken a toll on a lot of my relationships. I've also lost a lot of 5+ year friendships/relationships in the past few months which has been a really hard pill to swallow. I'm trying to make piece with it, but it's a lot easier said than done.

    I've been writing a lot of poetry, it's been helping me clear my head and get things down on paper. I've also been drawing and painting a lot too, which has been helping as well. Dance for me has been a hard thing to really do due to some trauma (which is also related to the aforementioned lost friendships) but I'm trying- it's just been a struggle to find joy in the art form much anymore, even though I do love it. Covid's also made it hard for my lovely friend Sophia and I to find meeting places for our company which has really put a lot of things at a stand still as well. 

    My siblings and I did unfortunately have to drop out of our acting group as well, just due to safety worries/precautions and Covid scares. We're still enrolled in dance classes though and those are going well. We're going to do a recorded version of the Nutcracker which should be fun too. My brother is a piece of taffy as well as the Mouse King. My sister is the Candy Cane Ambassador (which we kinda made up for our version of the show, she's on par with like Sugar Plum, Mother Ginger, etc). I'm playing the part of Mother Ginger. Sophia is going to be like the Flower Fairy or something similar, and our friends Ava and Ella are playing Clara and the Nutcracker respectively. 

    I've had 2 legit jobs, I've worked at Sally Beauty and Torrid in the past few months. I quit at Torrid after a couple weeks because I was working 2 (3 if you count pet sitting) jobs at the same time and it was exhausting. I worked at Sally's from June to sometime late September, due to some personal issues and not enough hours/trouble at the store. So I am yet again on the job search- but it could certainly be worse, I suppose.

    I'm currently taking an art appreciation course for school, I'm back on track for Associate's of the Arts because I realized I am NOT cut out to be a theatre major, lol. It's boring but I only have like, 5 weeks left of this course so I can't complain too much. It's just a weird class.

    We've adopted 2 more kittens, Maui and Moana. Originally Maui was named Te Fiti until we realized that Te Fiti was not actually a girl... so then he became Maui. They're really sweet cats, Moana is my little baby. She likes to try to come lay on my laptop whenever I'm typing anything at all.

    I met my boyfriend in August, and we've been together for over 2 months now. He's an amazing guy and I'm really blessed to have met him. Other than Instagram, I've been refraining from posting too much about him just to maintain privacy and such but he's a huge part of my life and I love him lots. He even gets along with my family, which is no easy feat.

    We recently went on a trip (meaning my mom, brother, boyfriend and I) to Cincinnati/Newport. We went to the Newport Aquarium, did a few escape rooms, hung out, and just had a good time in general. It was nice to get away for a bit and do something fun.

    There's honestly not much else to say right now. Life is still pretty boring- reasonably so- because of the virus and everything, so this is about the most dumb life update I've ever done. But it's all good, y'know? Things could always be worse, so I'm just riding things out.

Ciao for now,
Hannah

Dreams: the Good, the Bad, and the... Weird?

Photo by Kinga Cichewicz on Unsplash

Hey guys!

 I don't know if it's being cooped up at home that's causing it, or lack of being around people, or just my overactive mind- but I have been having intense dreams lately. Good ones, bad ones, funny ones, sad ones- and really, really weird ones.
 I've considered starting a dream journal just to recount the weirdness of them all. I only vaguely remember some, and some are vivid memories, but regardless, when I'm actually asleep, they're so intense that I wake up in a daze because it feels so real (even if it doesn't make any sense within the confines of the real world).

 Like, a few weeks ago, I had this weird dream about my Grandpa. I actually had to text my Grandma to check in one him because of the severity of the dream. I don't remember much about the actual dream itself, I just remember weird, psychedelic swirls, like a tie-dye shirt, and my Grandpa in the middle of it all one minute, and then he was gone the next. And it just kept happening, with various weird bits thrown in here and there.
 And then just a bit ago I had a migraine so I napped half of the day away, and kept having recurring odd, sorta romantic dreams about this guy who was kind of a bad boy, but we had to keep sneaking away even though we weren't doing anything bad, but it was taking place in, like, this really long  mansion-style house with tons of stairs and rails and weirdly-shaped rooms. And we'd end up in one room, and have like a date, our parents would find out and get mad, and then the dream would like... start over? Like a video game of sorts. It was bizarre (and for some reason the dude looked like Devon Bostick but I couldn't begin to explain why).

 Essentially, my dreams get progressively weirder and weirder each time I fall asleep. I have dreams that I'm trapped in a shopping mall and keep getting arrested for shop lifting even though I didn't shop lift. I have dreams about my family. I have dreams about my friends. I have dreams about Stranger Things (not even the characters, just the world they live in??). I have dreams about dance and about sleeping itself, which is really trippy.
 It's just so weird to be totally chill, and then fall asleep, and wake up feeling like I've been transported to a different world. Especially the dreams where it feels like I'm actually living it instead of watching it play out, if that makes any sense. It's all just very peculiar.
 There's not much of a point to this post except to ramble about my dreams; so comment down below what the weirdest dream you remember having is. Let me know I'm not alone in the weirdness, haha!

 -Hannah

Life Here Lately...

Photo by Yoann Boyer on Unsplash

Hey y'all,

 It has been a seriously long time since I last posted- a little over 3 months, in fact. You would not believe the amount of times I've sat down to write a blog post, and then just had absolutely nothing come to me. I've shared writing on Instagram, and Facebook, and entered poetry contests, but for some reason the idea of writing a full blog post seemed so intimidating.
 Simultaneously everything and nothing has happened these past three months; it's honestly rather strange. My last post was February 10th, so I suppose I'll just try to go back and talk about what's been going on in chronological order.

 Hopping way back to January, I mentioned it briefly but never really talked about it- my siblings and I had the Musical Theatre Revue with our acting group. It was super stressful and the theater had a freaking ridiculous amount of stairs, but otherwise it was a lot of fun. My brother was apart of the stage crew for that show and my sister and I were on stage. We had a duet which turned out pretty rough (I Dreamed a Dream from Les Mis), but my sister did a great job on her solo (Home from Beetlejuice). All the group numbers went reallt

 Sometime in either January or February we also went back to Otherworld in Columbus, which was my brother's Christmas present, but it was a bit of a rough weekend trip due to various reasons, but we still had a pretty okay time regardless.

 Something I never posted about on here was that on February 8th, I got to go see my favorite band, The Lumineers, in concert. While it took forever for them to get on stage and I was not a fan of their two openers, the Lumineers themselves were mind-blowing. My Mom got me tickets for Christmas and I'm still so grateful. Lots of (happy) tears were shed that night. However, we were in Cleveland at night, with a concert that just got out, in the middle of Winter, and ended up having to walk back to our hotel...

 Which kick-started me feeling sick. I started feeling pretty gross and sniffly and stuff, but managed to pull through that week, looking forward to my birthday, and then the day of my birthday (and party arrived), and I was sick as a dog. I slept most of the day before, and then the day of my party, I helped set up for my party (invitations had all been sent out + non-refundable venue), and then spent the rest of the time alternating between sitting at a table with my head lying on it or throwing up in the bathroom... so shout-out to my bestie Sophia for chilling with me the whole time despite me being sick. She's a real one, y'all.
 I feel really bad because I barely talked to any of my friends at my party (the ones who showed up anyway, y'all are fantastic and I love you). I pretty much parked myself between Soph, my siblings, and my grandparents and spent my eighteenth birthday feeling like dirt. It was a very depressing way to spend the day, and as soon as we got home, I went to bed. I didn't get to eat any of the snacks we got or really enjoy my decorations or anything. I'm still super peeved, but it is what it is I suppose.

 Then I was pretty sick for the next week or two, and the Thursday after my party (about 5 days later) I thought I was going to die so my Mom took me to the ER (...I was supposed to be at dance class lol), and turns out I just had a God-awful case of bronchitis. They put me on meds and other than a lingering cough, I was good in about another week or two.
 February's a bit of a blur. January-February are almost always rough months for me, the past 2 or 3 years I've come down with really serious illnesses around/on my birthday that usually start at the end of January. I don''t know what the deal is, but it just happens every time without fail.

 At the end of February/beginning of March, we went to go see our friend Naomi in a show at the La Comedia dinner theatre, which is an awesome place. It was The King & I, which I'd never had much interest in before, but it was amazing! I had such a great time and Naomi did a lovely job.

 After this is where things start to get blurry- with the Covid-19 pandemic, everything is crazy. I pretty much am temporarily unemployed because no one needs a pet sitter because no one can actually travel right now. I've been going stir-crazy with not being able to go see my friends or at least take my siblings places or go to the movies with my family and stuff. Never did I ever think we'd be living through a world-wide pandemic. Just goes to show life never goes as planned.

 Unfortunately, we had to rehome our one pup, Buster, because he wasn't a good fit for our family. He is a great dog, just not great for our situation, but I do miss the little stinker. We've also lost a few of our other pets these past few months unfortunately, and it does hurt my heart a lot.
 The company I used to dance with, Fueled & Aflame, had a final concert so I went back to dance with them for that- it ended up being virtual which was a rough send-off for something that has had so many memories and time put into it and stuff. It was better than nothing, though. Shortly after, things started closing for us. Our acting group had to cancel our production of Godspell, which means (aside from like, Soph and I and maybe a few others) the seniors don't get a final bow, which is really quite sad.
 Dance class is on hold for in-person classes which is really depressing. I love my studio, and so it's been rough not being able to see everyone (especially being the 'new kid'). We've had classes over Zoom, but it's just not the same, plus I'm really struggling with picking up choreography, and I'm not sure exactly how recital will work this year, which makes me sad, because it was going to be my first recital with this studio.

 Overall, this pandemic has just been a hellish situation for everyone. I'm glad things are opening again, but I'm also concerned about a spike in cases. One day at a time, I suppose. I'm ready for things to be normal again but I know 'normal' is not really ever going to be on the horizon again. We live in such a digital age that I think this will change us forever.
 There are things to look forward to, though. I have two more college classes starting next month. I'm taking a humanities course and a history course. I declared (unofficially) my major as theatre but have switched to a general associate of art's because I honestly have no idea what the heck I want to do with my life.
 My siblings & I are taking our friend Syd to prom in July (delayed because of Covid), so that's going to be a blast. I've also been using this time for good, and Sophia and I are starting up our own dance company. Everything is lined up so now I'm using my anxious energy to expend on choreography and website building and such. I hope to find an official job soon and start planning for when I'm stable and able to move out. I also hope to start taking boxing lessons once things open back up. Good and bad, bad and good. Just doing my best to focus on the good.

 So this has been a brief- but not-so-brief- overview of what my life has been like lately. How are things in your neck of the woods? Let me know in the comments :)
 -Hannah

New Year, New Insanity

Hey guys!

 I'm sorry I've been absent. I'd blame it on being busy (which is somewhat reasonable) but really I just didn't feel like writing any blog posts.

 Just in the past month and a half, I have...

1. Declared (unofficially because I'm still high school age) a major (Theatre!)
2. Started an Instagram account for my poetry,
3. Adopted a new dog,
4. Got tickets to go see my favorite band (for Christmas- thanks Mom!),
5. Started a writing group with a dear friend of mine,
6. Took an overnight trip to Columbus,
7. Got into making OOAK dolls,
8. Have grown my collection of My Little Ponies & Barbies,
9. Celebrated the new year ofc!,
10. Planned my birthday party- this month!!!,
11. Had tech week with a 3-show weekend,

 And that doesn't include all of the regular life stuff and smaller events that have happened. Things have been pretty wild around here. Not bad or anything, but hectic. I start a dog sitting job tomorrow (today, technically, when this is posted haha), and we start rehearsals for our next show on Thursday- Godspell- and I'm so excited.

 Dance has been going well, although I had to miss this past week because of one of our shows with acting, but I'm pretty stoked about the choreo we've been working on. Although for our jazz dance we'll be in character shoes which makes me anxious.

 Here soon we'll be taking an overnight trip to go see The Lumineers and I'm just so happy. They mean so much to me, and I can't wait to see them perform live.

 I'll update more soon when I can! Much love to all of you.

-Hannah

Lots to Say

Hello friends,

 I've really dropped the ball on posting here lately, so apologies for that- it's been a mixture of laziness, being busy, and exhaustion. It's not really an excuse, but I don't like pushing myself to write blog posts, because then they all end up being depressing, haha

 If I'm being honestly, I've dug myself an emotional trench and laid down in it, and the more it's settled, the deeper it gets and the further I get pulled under. My anxiety is at an all time high. I've been hiding behind clothes and make up more than ever and pulling away from people I love just because I'm scared. I don't even know *what* I'm scared of- and that's where I'm struggling at.

 I've removed myself from some environments that were becoming toxic to my mental- and in lieu, physical- health which has been extremely cathartic and also terrifying. When your identity gets so caught up in one thing, you don't really know how to respond to things when you suddenly don't have it anymore.

 On top of struggling with my health (including what I believe may undiagnosed arthritis or something else along those lines- even sitting here typing this is miserable- but I digress,) both my eye doctor and family doctor close down at the end of the year, which is horrible because my mom & I have been going to that doctor for probably 11 years or so? I think she was going to her even before I did. And our eye doctor is the only eye doctor we've found who we've actually liked and takes our insurance, so that's lovely.

 We also just passed the 5th anniversary of my dad's passing which has been really, really, really tough. It's hard to believe it's been so long.

 Aside from emotional stuff, I've had quite a few pet sitting gigs which has been keeping me busy, plus drama club and dance class and other life stuff. I'm not home at all on Thursdays which is... a lot to handle, honestly. I feel extremely disconnected from everyone but I don't know how to reconnect; or truly, even if I want to do so.

 We've done some fun stuff lately, though, so it hasn't been all bad. We had our vacation in November; we went back to Disney World. It was stressful for various reasons, but overall we had a pretty enjoyable time!

 My family & I went to go see the Trans-Siberian Orchestra this month which was mind blowing. The musicians are all really talented and the show is so completely dramatic and overkill which is super entertaining.

 We also went to go see Frozen 2 a few days ago with our Grandma which was so fun. I hope to post a review of the movie soon. Also a bit ago, my family went to go see Spamilton, which is the parody musical of Hamilton. I haven't genuinely laughed so hard that much in soooooo long. It was hilarious & entertaining and the actors were mind blowingly talented. We had a blast.

 I also had a youth group Christmas party and auditioned a few things in our acting group and have gotten back into art making and just a bunch of different things.

 Really, life isn't all bad or all good. We're just kind of existing right now. Which is okay; but also not? I don't know how I'm feeling. I'm ready for the new year.

 How are you all doing? Leave a comment down below- let's chat!

-Hannah

An August Recap

Hey y'all,

 This post is kind of just a ~recap~ of how August went- sort of a journal entry in a way. August felt like it was taking forever to get through, but now that it's over, it feels like it barely even existed.

 I was going to share some photos, but I think a plain text post is a better idea right now- I'm not at home while I'm writing this so I don't have a great way to transfer photos.

 At the beginning of the month, I had a dog sitting gig, and Descendants 3 premiered. It might seem silly for an almost-adult to get so excited over a kid's movie... but dude, I was thriving. I like Disney Channel movies way too much, lol.

 Then on the 7th, my grandparents came over to our house to have a mini celebration for my mom's birthday (which was on the 8th). We gave her gifts and had cake and ice cream and stuff. It was a pretty fun night. Also this month, we celebrated both of my Grandparent's birthdays as well (and my grandma's was a landmark birthday- 70!).

 Fast forward a few days, and we went to go see Shrek the Musical. It was actually so good, and super funny. It was at La Comedia dinner theater so we had a fun meal and saw a fantastic show, it was a really fun experience and I loved it.

 We also had a Youth Arts Ambassadors meeting. Unfortunately, time wise and stuff, we couldn't end up doing it this year, but seeing what all they have planned for the year makes me excited about where the arts in our community are going.

 At one point I met up with my one of my dear friend's mom, and a friend of hers. I can't go into detail on here about everything without being a jerk by over sharing, but we had an impromptu concert of sorts and just... it was a really good evening. Very Holy Spirit filled and just ultra powerful.

 Around the middle of the month, my mom & I auditioned for a play called Jake's Women. Unfortunately, neither of us got parts, but it was still fun and gives more audition experience, at least.

 My siblings and I also had auditions for our homeschool acting group in mid-August. We're doing a Broadway/musical theatre revue in January and we're performing the full version of Godspell in May! We're really excited. Unfortunately, we can't be placed in parts for Godspell until January due to MTI rules and such, but that's okay. I'm excited to get things prepped for the Broadway show. We have our first rehearsal next week.

 I had my last practices at the dance studio, since it's closing down. It's very bittersweet- I'm excited for what all the companies have in store, but the studio has been, and is, a huge part of my life. I've also begun taking a class at my friend Sophia's dance studio, so we're going to be seeing each other almost all day every Thursday because we're both in acting too, so that's pretty cool. Plus youth group starts back up soon, which we both attend.

 We've spent a lot of time with my Grandma (my mom's mom) this month, going out to eat, going to King's Island, Ikea, those kinds of things. It's been fun just going out and doing random stuff.

 We went to go see the movie Ready Or Not at the end of the month, which was very interesting. I might be posting a review soon, I'm not sure yet, but we'll see. It was entertaining though and it was almost midnight so we had the entire theater to ourselves which was a blast.

 On Friday (the 30th) our Mom surprised us with a trip to Other World in Columbus, where I've been wanting to go since before they even opened, lol. I WILL be posting about that soon, because it was such a blast. I haven't smiled that much in a really long time, haha!

 How was everyone else's month? Did everyone have a good August? Drop a comment below and let me know!

Ciao,
Hannah

What's In My Purse?

Hello friends!

 I thought it would be fun to do a 'what's in my purse?' type post! Mostly because I'm running low on post ideas at the moment ;)

 My purse right now is this cute little turquoise-y (teal? I always get those two mixed up!) shoulder bag from Thirty-One. I've had it for like... a really long time, but it holds up super well and fits a decent amount of stuff. My only complaint is I have to tie the strap. I'm fairly short- and have a short torso to top it off- so if I don't knot it it's hitting right around my knee!

 One of the most important things in my purse is my keys- I *literally* can't go anywhere without them, haha! It's got my car keys and house key, as well as any keys from pet-sitting that I'm currently doing at any given time on it. I have them on a Stranger Things lanyard (what can I say? Steve Harrington is bae,) with one of those plastic sleeves.
 I also have a pointe shoe keychain that my friend Sophia gave me, a Project Dance keychain, and a little Eiffel tower keychain that my friend Celeste got for me in Paris.

 I have a ton of little miscellaneous things in my purse- my sunglasses, a little thing of bubbles, alien-shaped chapstick (the lip balm inside looks like a little pink brain!), some cherry slide lip balm, and my mini hairbrush/compact mirror.

 I also have this tiny Polly Pocket keychain, but I don't keep it on my keys because I had a different one that looked like a little music studio and it popped open and I lost all the pieces. I was really upset... so now I just keep this one in my purse pocket for safe keeping. It's a little fashion design studio, complete with a sewing machine, closet, sewing kit, mirror, and chair. It's really cute.

 The next thing in my purse is my planner. I lost my old one so my mom got me a new one (thanks, mom!) and I really like it, because it's small and handy. I also keep two pens in my purse that I use on the inside.

 Speaking of pens, I have this autograph book from Disney World that I actually use as a mini sketchbook/notebook, because it's cute and small. I have another autograph book that I hand-made that I actually use in Disney World. I also have my earbuds, which I still use the original case for because even though it's a pain to wrap, it's easier to keep them tangle-free.

 I have this tiny Vera Bradley pouch that I keep in my purse with band-aids, my little thing of lotion (it smells so. freaking. good.) and my hand sanitizer. Just in case :)

 And last but definitely not least, my wallet! My grandpa gave it to me and it works super well so I love it, but it's kind of falling apart... And I stuck a stick-on Halloween patch to the front, because why not, right? Haha!

 Thanks for reading and have a fantastic day, y'all!
 Ciao,
 Hannah

The One About Relationships

Hello everybody,

 Today I'm going to be talking about boys... so that's... fun. Or more specifically, romance, specifically among teenagers.

 I, myself, have never been in a relationship of any sort. Until just recently, I didn't even really talk to many guys except for one or two I'd grown up with, and even now I don't regularly hang out with guys. If you don't get to know someone, it's hard for a relationship to develop; and I think that's something I've been thinking about a lot lately.

 I am not someone who is good at reaching out to get to know people. I'm always terrified of things coming across as creepy or awkward, and then I end up avoiding it altogether. Friendships are a struggle and romantic relationships? Forget it.

 But due to this, I've been able to see my friends & peers go on dates and develop relationships. Watching from the outside, it's quite interesting to see how relationships come about. I have friends who have already gotten married, friends who have never dated/gotten married, friends who are casually dating, friends who are in a official relationship... and I guess the thing that I've learned through all of that is to not let your relationship status define you.

 People, especially teenagers and young adults, seem so keen on letting their relationships define themselves. I know there's this desire to love and to be loved- but it doesn't have to be romantic. There is joy in just learning about yourself, loving friends and loving family. Everyone has a different time line. Some people don't ever get married or date, and that's totally fine, too. Your worth, value, and personality is not determined by who you are-or-aren't with.

 There is a boy I like, and that's okay. But I'm not in any rush to pursue a relationship, because I need to work on myself first. Me, myself & I. Above all, I know that God loves me. And truly, that trumps any relationship here on earth, romantic or platonic. Because I know that no matter what my relationship status is, God is always there. He is always looking out for me, and that's all I need to know.

 Ciao for now,
 Hannah Bailey

What I've Been Up To

Hey everyone!!

 It has been a g e s since I last posted- which is actually kind of a good thing, because I've been really busy, doing stuff that I (mostly) love. Life's been hectic and I haven't had much time or energy to just sit down and write a blog post.

 Forewarning: this is going to be a very picture-heavy post, so it might run somewhat slow on data or slow wifi systems.

 So, at the beginning of June, my siblings & I had our end-of-year dance concert. It was quite bittersweet- I've stuck with dance, but cut back a lot, and my siblings dropped it altogether, and things are changing with the company I dance with. It's a big year of change.

Opus- my favorite piece, like, ever. It holds a special place in my heart.
Obviously not my photo... seeing as I'm in it. :) haha

  Then, the day after our performance, we went and saw my dear friend Sophia in her dance recital, where she played Tinkerbell (they did a version of Peter Pan for their production). It was wonderful and I love seeing her dance.

 Also in June, we adopted a new kitten! We named her Glinda. Now we've got 5 cats- it's a bit of a madhouse around here, lots of meowing. From oldest to youngest, it's Sherbert, Briar, Mittens, Elphaba, and Glinda.

 In June we also had all 6 of our shows for Annie Jr. It went amazing and I'm so proud of all of the people involved. We sold out 4 of 6 shows! It's a small theatre, but still! Pretty darn cool. It went splendidly, even with a few injuries and insanities that happened.

I can't find the one of me, my siblings, and Soph, so here's one without Christian. (sorry, dude.)
Also peep those little kids taller than the adult cop. :P

The orphanage set-up! (I painted the two signs on the back wall. Took forever but totally worth it.)

 At the end of June, my sister, mom & I all went to go see Waitress the musical. I saw off-Broadway versions of Beauty & the Beast and The Lion King, but this was a whole other experience and I had a total blast. It's one of my favorite musicals, and I may or may not have sobbed through the entirety of She Used to Be Mine. #notsorry

 At the beginning of July, my family & I binged the entirety of Stranger Things in one sitting. No regrets... this season was amazing and well worth the hype!

 Also in July, I re-auditioned for dance. I wasn't going to, but something in me just knew I couldn't survive without it. So I prayed about it, and decided to just go for it. I'm a trainee with the adult company, Fueled and Aflame, this year.

 Then in mid-July/late-ish July, my siblings and I attended a 2-week acting camp where we put together an entire show in a week (the rest of the time was spent learning new techniques and stuff). I learned so much and had a blast getting to know every one. We all traded Instagrams and Snapchats and such to stay in contact.

 We did an original play called After Ever After that was written by our teacher, Kylee. She did a great job and we all had a blast with it. I had the only non-fairytale role in the show as Alex the crowd-manager. My siblings played Jack and Jill, respectively. It was a total blast and, if I do say so myself, really good for being put together in such a short time.

Beth goofing off in her Jill costume on stage.

My siblings & I.

My siblings & I with Sophia.
(I should add that Soph wasn't in the show- she came to see it and support us, because that's just the amazing person she is)

  Also in this time, my family went to go see The Lion King. In my opinion, it was beautifully done, had an excellent cast, and was just all around a really good movie. Not one of my favorite Disney movies, per say, but definitely at the top of my list for ones that seriously impressed me.

My siblings & I also screwed around in the arcade, where I won that rubber duck, and in the photo booth.

 Christian also turned 13 on the 26th of July! No more kiddos in the house- we're all *nervously* approaching adulthood.

 The last two photos are from a cool coffee shop that's here locally... we went with our mom to the homeschool assessment that we have to do every year, and I got an Italian soda float with creme de menthe syrup and like- YUM. I also got my mom chocolate-strawberry blooming tea.

 At the very tail end of July, my family went on a mini-trip which I'll share a full post about later. For now, I'm off to go watch Descendents 3 and cuddle with some dogs! I'll see y'all around.

Until next time,
Hannah

Out Of My Comfort Zone

Hello everyone,

 Lately, I have not been in my comfort zone. Part of me feels reckless, but part of me feels contented. It's strange but exhilarating and terrifying all at the same exact time. It's been taking steps out in faith and trust, sometimes by choice and sometimes out of necessity, but nonetheless it's been a change of pace.

 I'm generally quiet, a bit anxious, maybe even a little bit of an anti-social (not un-socialized, but definitely anti-social, haha!) homeschooler (well, was,). But lately, I've been finding myself talking more. I'm not going to lie, I'm constantly second guessing myself. Things like;

"Was that weird?"

"Did I talk too much?"
"Did I not talk enough?"

"Did I leave a bad impression?"
"Do they hate me?"

 ...are all constantly present in my mind. However, I've finally realized that if someone doesn't like me, they can either tell me, or just not socialize with me. I second guess my appearance too, but I've also realized that if someone is judging me for wearing sweatpants, or no make up, then they either have A: never had a bad day or been tired in their life, or B: need to get over themselves.

 I'm doing a lot of things, talking to lots of new people, pursuing higher education, I got a tattoo, joined an acting group, and have started actually talking to people I don't know very well. I signed up for camp and am actually trying things in dance I was scared to try before.

 My friend Sophia invited me to a super cool event where we hung out with a bunch of artists/photographers we didn't even really know, and I met some really great people and got some really great perspectives for my future. I'm going to try a youth group soon, which I've never really had the guts for, and I'm signed up for stuff on my college campus, which I also never thought I would do.

 And I'm still here, I'm still okay. Things haven't gone tragically wrong. It's exciting and calming to know that all this time, I've had this in me. I'm not floating alone in this vast world, I don't have to constantly tone myself down or do less things to make other people happy.

 I just want to live my life to the fullest, because I'm done going through the motions. Life is so much more exciting than I previously believed, and doing new things really opens you up to a whole new perspective.

A Little Life Update

 Hello everyone!

 I'm running a bit low on post ideas at the moment, so I decided to just give a little life update instead of making a 'post-post'. On my other blog it's pretty much all I wrote, though, so I'm trying to give myself grace, haha.

 I'm almost to my third week of my second college semester! I still haven't worked my way up to a full course load yet, but frankly, I'm not sure I'd have time. I'm scoring well, but the actual reading and such has a tendency to fall to the wayside until the last minute because most of my free time is on the weekends (...as long as they aren't dance weekends.)
 I'm actually decently enjoying my classes so far, which is new compared to last semester. The work is decent and all of my teachers are pretty nice and helpful. My fellow students are also really engaging with both myself and others in the class, which was not the case last semester, so I have high hopes.
 I actually visited the main campus the other day to use the library, which was exciting but a little freaky. I was surrounded by so many different people, which was cool, but I'm also used to all of my individual little social circles, you know? I'm hoping to join the creative writing group which meets on Fridays, but we'll see.

 Dance is going pretty well. Our dear dance teacher, Chelle, is pretty far along now in her pregnancy, so she's trying to finish up recital pieces so that way our substitutes don't have to stress over it. I really like both class pieces so far (I'm in jazz and ballet, class-wise.)
 My brother's hip-hop class is doing a dance to Backseat Driver by TobyMac from what I can tell, which is super exciting because I really, really like that song.
 Illuminate, the company I was in for the past 4 years and my siblings are both in, as well as Ignite, the current company I'm in, are going to work together today (1/26/19) on our joint-company piece for our next dance concert. I'm super excited to be able to dance with my siblings and all of our friends again.

 In more upsetting news, a few days ago, one of our guinea pigs, my dear Teddy (or Ted as I usually called him) passed away. It was totally unexpected. He was fine, then he was sick, and then as soon as it started, he was gone. I didn't even have a chance to get him into the vet.
 Otherwise, all of our animals are doing well. Our one cat, Sherbert, was just diagnosed with a thyroid issue, and he has trouble gaining/maintaining his weight. He's on medicine now to help with that. Both dogs are good, annoying as ever, but I love them to pieces. Moose the guinea pig and Abby the hamster are both well. Our other two cats are good, too, just little dorks.

 In other news, my friend Sophia, my siblings, and I all auditioned for a production of Annie Jr. Sophia told us about the auditions the night before, and we were like... yep, we're doing this. So we practiced the heck out of it and did pretty well, I think. I did sing in front of people, by myself, for the audition though, which was kind of anxiety-inducing because to be totally honest... I can't sing.
 However, our director must have thought we did okay. Sophia is playing the part of Duffy (an orphan) and I think she's re-auditioning for the 'Star-to-Be' roll next week. My sister, Beth, is playing July (pronounced Julie in our production), an orphan, and is also in the N.Y.C. ensemble of sorts.
 My brother is playing Bundles the laundry man, a manservant in the I Think I'm Gonna Like It Here scene, a sound effect man, and President FDR. I think there was something else, but I can't remember right now. I'm playing Officer Ward throughout the play, so I have a few scenes, a few speaking and a few non-speaking, and I'll also be Ward in the N.Y.C. scene.

 Right now, it's 4:57 in the morning, and I have to be up in 2 hours and 3 minutes, but my dogs woke me up to go outside and now I can't sleep. Ugh. I best wrap up this post and try to at least rest, so I'll talk to you all soon.

 For now, this is Hannah, signing off.
 Ciao!

Lost In My Own Appearance

Hello everyone,

 Writing this post was really a struggle. Trying to be vulnerable is hard. I've been becoming increasingly better at it, but it sometimes borders on whining when I'm with certain people, or I become closed off all together with other people.

 Almost everyday (except when I stay home all day) for the past 2 or 3 years, I've worn make up in some way, shape, or form. I actually don't usually wear foundation or concealer, but otherwise, my face is caked in highlighters and brow fillers and eyeliner. What started out as a way to gain a sense of independence and an art form turned into something that became a chore.
 Then, one day a few weeks ago, I was sick. I looked in the mirror, and realizing I had to leave the house but didn't feel like doing my make up, I just didn't do it. And it was freeing.
 I didn't realize it, but I've become so dependent on make up that I forgot what it was like to leave the house without wearing any. I've always been concerned with my eyes looking big and bright, with my eyebrows being full and perfectly shaped, that I forgot to just learn how to comfortable in my own skin.

 Looking in the mirror and finally seeing someone who is confident without her eyebrows done up and eyelashes dark and full, is an amazing feeling. I'm tearing up just writing about it- I'm learning to stop apologizing for not wearing make up, learning to just be unashamedly me.
 These things take time, but it's worth it. Finding this confidence is so helpful because it feeds into other aspects of my life. Here recently, my siblings, one of my best friends, and I tried out for the play Annie at a new acting group. I sang a solo at the audition- and it was optional to do so. I would have never had the courage to do that a few months ago, even a few weeks ago.

 I can't say with total assurance that not wearing make up all the time is the only reason my confidence has grown, but I know without a doubt it has played a big part in it. I got together with one of my other friends the other day without a stitch of make up on my face. I had literally never done that before (except for when I was, like, 6) and although it was strange, it made me happy.
 Sometimes letting go of the things that we think are a life saver makes us realize we can swim just fine. Being lost in my own appearance made me lose sight of the things that truly matter- my friends and my family- and forced me to get up way earlier than I needed to just in order to get ready for the day.

 I'm not sworn off make up. It's an amazing art form and I still love the look of my eyebrows when I fill them in. Eyeliner is a ton of fun and lipstick is the coolest thing ever. However, I am sworn off letting it control my life.

 I love myself, make up or no make up.

Ciao,
Hannah

What I Got for Christmas

Hello!

 I know I haven't posted in ages. It's a mixture of exhaustion, busyness, and laziness. It's not a good excuse, but it is true.

 I hope everyone is having/had great holidays and had a good Christmas. Today I'm going to share some of the stuff I've gotten for Christmas- keep in mind this is from multiple different people, so it's a lot of stuff but it's spread out.

 I promise I'm not trying to brag, I'm just very excited about what I got. I deeply appreciate what everyone has done for me, and trust me, I know that's not all Christmas is about. :)

1) Barbie Dreamhouse + Barbie Convertible (technically a joint present for me and my sister)
2) Fujifilm Camera and accessories
3) Parental Advisory shirt from Torrid
4) An art marbling kit
5) Rainbow Dash pez
6) Coca Cola chapsticks and a buzzing chapstick
7) Wellie Wishers building set
8) Some craft kits from my brother
9) Torrid gift cards
10) Some make up
11) A Barbie ornament
12) Some Bath & Body Works products
13) A DNA test
14) Some miscellaneous art supplies

 I'm so grateful for everything I received. It makes me so happy and I'm super excited to use it all/have used it!

 What did you get for Christmas?

-Hannah

My Creative Process

Hello, you lovely people!

 I haven't written a blog post in *so long* and I feel really bad about it, but life has just been all kinds of intense here in the past few weeks (months, to be quite frank with you all).
 Moving on, I've decided to talk to you all a bit about my creative process.

 For me, a creative process has to start with inspiration. I find my inspiration in many areas of my life; dancing is a place I find a lot of inspiration for my art, and vice versa. Depending on what I need my process for, is how I decide where to find my inspiration;  music, books, and television are major sources of inspiration for me. Seeing other creative people being creative helps me a lot.

 The second thing I need in my process of creativity is the space to be creative. Whether it's sitting down to write blog posts, writing a song, choreographing a dance, or doing an art piece, I need some space. Other people tend to suffocate my creativity (this isn't me being rude- I am just more introverted) and I like having room to move.

 The third thing is is my surroundings; I have this weird idea that if a room is not 100% surrounded with furniture/stuff/paintings then it's not 'correct' or something- it's very weird, but the fact of the matter is, I like to have stuff surrounding a room on all 4 sides (that's why I'm such a pack rat). I also like to have blankets for drawing, a clean, swept floor for dancing, and lots of table space for writing.

 The fourth thing is sound. I am extremely sensitive to noise. My ears physically hurt if I hear a noise that is too loud or scratchy or squeal-y (I hate styrofoam with a burning passion because of this). I have a lot of music that inspires me; so I usually have headphones on, or if I'm home alone, blasting through my speakers or from the TV.
 Music is really powerful to me and affects my mood strongly, so having something that inspires me really decides whether or not I will finish my project, or not.

 The fifth thing is stress. If I'm stressed out or extremely anxious, I will shut down. I find most of my creativity comes to me late at night when I'm sleepy or when I'm in an afternoon sleep-craving period because it's when I'm most relaxed and calm. Deadlines to get things done also cause me to procrastinate until it's nearly too late, even if it's something I love doing.

 The sixth thing is to just do it. Sometimes, even if nothing else is writing, just closing my eyes for a minute, taking a deep breath, and focusing is enough to get my creative juices flowing. There's only so much you can do sometimes, and you just need to get it done. I've created some of my best projects this way.

 What's your creative process? I'd love to know. Drop a comment down below! I love you all!

Ciao,
Hannah

Life Here Lately

Hello lovelies,

 Life is so crazy... yikes. I'm not really sure where to begin talking, honestly; so I guess I'll start with apologizing for not posting much lately. I've had that Barbie post saved in my drafts for who-knows-how-long and I just haven't had the energy to post here lately.

 It has been so hot here where I live. 80's is on the low end of things currently, and I- my whole family, actually- don't do well in heat, so it's been pretty frustrating. However, between my mom, brother, and some hired hands, our yard work that needed done is pretty much done, we just need to do some more weeding and stuff, so that's a plus. Yesterday and today were fairly cool (70's/80's) so it was pleasant-ish.

 Independence Day has passed, of course, which is cool, I suppose. I'm not really the most patriotic person, just ask anyone... haha
 But it was a pretty good day, honestly. Kind of hectic towards the end, but that's just the way life is for us. On July 3rd, we sat in our driveway and watched the local fireworks (one of the perks of living in a small town), did some sparklers, that kind of thing.
 On that same day, I went to the store and got some birthday shopping done for my brother (he'll be 12 on July 26th) and I also got some clothes at Rue 21. I got my sister a cute green sweater for her Pidge from Voltron cosplay, and I got a cute black bodysuit and a cold-shoulder blue sweater. I got all of those clothes for $11.00 total- Rue 21's clearance is beautiful. I also got some bubble gum... I love bubble gum.

 Back to July 4th- we visited our grandparents for a while, which was nice, and then went to 2 local craft stores. My mom got me a Wonder Woman planner and I'm kind of in love with it. I can keep track of everything now; I feel like I'm mad with power! (Just kidding, of course,)
 We were also watching some friend's dogs for a while, so I spent some time at their house with them on July 5th. They're two huge chocolate labs and they're just big babies. I'm not really a big dog person, but I loved those two sweethearts.

 Right now, I'm kind of just zipping through life in a sense. There's a lot of exciting things on the horizon and I'm having trouble just slowing down and enjoying the little things. Speaking of little things, my dog is adorable, just so you know- lol.
 Anyways, I finally finished working on "I Feel", which is my first full collection of poetry and art, yadda yadda. There's just some legal stuff I have to figure out, so that's looking like that publishing date will be very near!

 On July 6th, we (all 3 of us kids!!!) had dentist appointments, and then my siblings and I's friend O came over and spent the night. We ate way too much ice cream and chilled out with ice cream sandwiches, so that was fun.
 On a bad note, I have cavities. :(

 And then on July 7th, my family went through all of our books and took a bunch to Half-Price Books. We originally went to 2nd & Charles, but that was... crazy, to say the least. We got Starbucks (yay for gift cards!) and Chick-Fil-A, so that was nice, and we stopped in a pet store to look at cute little critters.
 My mom got my brother some Rainbow Loom bands at HPB, she got my sister a book on conspiracy theories (which I'll be borrowing at some point!), and she got me a map of cryptid/ufo/etc sightings and such in Ohio, WV, and Kentucky. I'm super siked about that.

 Today, my sister & I's dear friends A & O (different then our other friend O) came over which was a lot of fun. We played Apples to Apples, took selfies, and laughed (like, a lot). I haven't laughed so hard or so long in quite a while, so it felt good just to let loose and act like dorks for awhile, especially because I haven't seen my friends much lately.

 As far as the next week goes, here's what is in store...
 My friend J just graduated, so I'm going to try to make it to her grad party on Saturday; I haven't seen her in a while so it'll be nice to see her again.
 I'm going to try to heavily work on school this week; I'm so ready to be done with high school, you don't even know!
 I'm going to try to get some more blogging done, as well as some art.

 I hope to have some blog posts coming up about numerous things, including wanting to live in a tiny house & taking a much-needed break from most social media.
 I'll talk to you guys soon, so stay beautiful- you're all amazing!

Ciao!
Hannah

Why I Love Barbie

Hello lovelies!

 Barbie dolls have always gotten a lot of flack for numerous different reasons- they're not realistic. They're teaching girls to be too revealing. They're teaching girls not to love themselves. The company & dolls are doing this... and this... and this...

 But Barbie has come so far, you guys! I'm 16, so I may a bit old to be playing with toys, but I love to collect them, and Barbie dolls are some of my favorites. Barbie is doing some really cool stuff, I've got to say; there's so many different skin tones, eye colors, face molds, hair colors/styles/types, and even body types now! It may be a late start but Mattel is going full-throttle into this new, super positive spin on Barbie.

 One thing I'm especially happy about is the Barbie channel on YouTube. Barbie now "hosts" a vlog of her very own, an animated web series that is sometimes funny, sometimes inspiring, and a lot of times really positive.
 She talks about how people say sorry too much. She talks about being yourself. She talks about bullying. She talks about 'feeling blue' and mental health, in a way that younger kids will understand, but it's really relatable for older teens and adults as well.
 Barbie is truly changing and is becoming a whole new person- er, doll- for the next generation of not only girls, but boys, too- the Barbie vlogs are encouraging to girls & boys alike, so little brothers can enjoy watching it with their sister(s).

 Even in the newest Barbie web-series/tv show, Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures, which you can find on Netflix, things are rapidly progressing. The show is still comical and light-hearted, but isn't so heavily comedy-based like Life in the Dreamhouse or as cheesy as some of the previous Barbie-brand movies released along the years.
 There's a wide, diverse cast of characters, and it focuses on Barbie's relationship with her sisters a lot which is so great to see, because so often siblings are presented as fighting like cats and dogs, when in reality, some families actually enjoy spending time with their siblings.
 Ken and Barbie either aren't dating, or it's extremely lessened (he is the Roberts' [Barbie's family] next-door neighbor in this spin on Barbie) to a point where it's all in good fun and not as heavily saturated in romantic stuff (of course, there's nothing wrong with that, but the show is geared for 5-11 year olds who have far more important things to worry about).

 I just really appreciate where they're taking the Barbie brand. There's such a wide range of dolls and personalities and careers and movies, and it just keeps getting better & better. Barbie is truly a classic doll that is shaping up to be a truly classic role model, too.

Ciao,
Hannah

Looking Forward to Autumn

Hello lovelies!

 Autumn is my favorite time of year. I love the cool air, and the crisp orange leaves that scatter on the ground, creating a beautiful red carpet for fall pixies to walk.
 Okay, so that's a fantasy, but a beautiful one, you must admit. I just love that time of year. I enjoy Summer too, and I also like Spring and Winter just okay, but there's something about Fall that just makes me really happy. I like being able to wear sweaters or t-shirts, I like being able to listen to my Autumn-themed playlists and just sit outside without sweating to death.

 There's a lot of really exciting things to look forward to this Autumn and I thought I'd share some of them with you all! I just can't wait!

• Becoming a licensed driver! - I'll get my license either in September or October and I'm really excited to have that freedom.
• Halloween! - Halloween, with the exception of my birthday, is my absolute favorite day of the year. I love all things spooky, strange, and Autumn-like, so it's just perfect. Plus, you get to dress up and eat candy! Who wouldn't like that?
• Fall party! - My siblings and I are going to throw a Halloween/costume/harvest/Fall/mystery party. We haven't worked out the details yet, but I'm super excited nonetheless.
• My sister's birthday! - My little sister Beth will be 14 this year! It's so weird but I'm really happy for her and excited to celebrate with her in...
• DISNEY WORLD! - We're going to Disney World in September, and we'll be doing Mickey's Not-So-Scary Halloween Party and celebrating Beth's birthday while we're there! And I'll also be meeting a sweet friend of mine who will be vacationing in Florida at the same time we're there!
• Movies! - There's a lot of great movies coming out, like Wreck-It Ralph 2! I'm really excited.
• Getting back to dance! - I love the start of a dance year! There's just always something so thrilling about new people, new classes, and new dances!
• GRADUATING! - I'm almost done with high school and couldn't be happier!
• College and job searching - I'll also be starting at our local community college, and I'm going to start planning for my future & finding a job.

What's your favorite part of Autumn? I'd love to know!

Ciao!
Hannah

Fandom Toxicity

Hello lovelies!

 So I want to bring something up today about something that's been bothering me a lot lately; namely, toxicity within fandoms.
 The definition of a fandom is a 'fanatic domain' or 'fanatic kingdom' depending on who you ask. Anyway it is, they can be a really great thing! You can meet really cool people with similar interests, and learn more about yourself along the way. But the thing is... fandoms aren't always a great thing.

 One thing, is being part of a fandom mindset- a hive mind, if you will- is that people band together and can be real jerks to other people within a fandom, creators of a show/authors/artists, even to the point of literally harassing actors and others in real life.
 It's ridiculous how rude people can be to those they claim to love; being in a fandom feels like it's a war with many, many battles where no one ever has the upper-hand, but they always think that they do. It's idiotic, to put it simply.

 One thing that promotes a lot of toxicity/anger are ships. Ship is just an abbreviation for relationship, whether it be romantic or platonic or whatever. So often, people get so attached to a 'ship' that they cause 'ship-wars' within a fandom.
 A prime example of this is the Star vs. the Forces of Evil fandom; some people are die-hard 'Starco' shippers. Most (not all) people in the fandom support Starco (the romantic relationship between Star Butterfly and Marco Diaz, the two main characters) and are extremely rude to people who ship anything else... even when it's not a threat to what ship they want to become canon (canon = actually happens in the book/show/movie/etc).

 Fans can just be really obsessive people. It's great to love things, and support the people who you think are awesome, but it can be absolutely horrendous when celebrities or fandom-celebs (popular fan artists, fan-fiction authors, etc) do something that fans don't like.
 People just get nasty and it's terrible. I simply can't comprehend how people can claim to love something and then turn around and hate other people who are just doing things because they love it or are/were involved in the creation of it.

 A lot of the time I choose to distance myself from fandoms because people can be so rude. I shouldn't have to do that, nor should anyone else! We should be supporting each other in our love for whatever it is that you love.
 So my advice is this: check yourself before you wreck yourself. Be kind. Don't hate celebrities just because they've done something you don't like- they are human, just like you & I. Agree to disagree and just let yourself love things and enjoy it. Just let it be enough.

Ciao!
Hannah

Confession... I Have Polycystic Ovary Syndrome.

Hello lovelies,

 We've got a pretty serious post today, sorry. I'm in a pretty serious mood right now, and this is something I've been considering talking about for a while now.
 Anyway, we may as well start right into what this post is centered around, so here we go.

 I deal with Polycystic Ovary Syndrome.

 And I'm not going to lie... it really sucks.
 For those of you who don't know what PCOS is, it is something that only affects females, and this post is going to be very TMI-based and, perhaps, very gross and very uncomfortable (like I said, I'm not going to lie). If this bothers you, you might want to skip this post in its entirety.

"Polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS) is a set of symptoms due to elevated androgens (male hormones) in females." source

 I was officially diagnosed earlier this year, but I've been dealing with it for many years, based on my symptoms. Some of the symptoms of PCOS include irregular to no periods, excess body/facial hair, heavy periods, pain in the pelvic area, acne, difficulty becoming pregnant/infertility, and dark patches of skin.
 Some of the associated diseases include type 2 diabetes, obesity, mood disorders, heart disease, sleep apnea, and even cancer. Of course, every case is different, but no matter what it's like, it is never fun.

 I have always dealt with extremely irregular, painful periods. As of right now, I've been dealing with PMS symptoms for 2ish weeks, but I have not had a period since April. Towards the end of last year/beginning of this year, I had a period that lasted for nearly a month and a half. My whole body's female cycle has been completely thrown off balance.

 I deal with some of the other symptoms, too. Body hair, pain, acne, obesity, and some other stuff, too. Not only does it cause my physical appearance to suffer, it also affects the way I feel. Sometimes the periods are so bad I have to miss stuff I really want to do because I'm stuck in bed, waiting until I can take my next dose of ibuprofen.
 And sometimes, because things are so irregular, even when I try to track my periods, sometimes they start at really bad times and I won't have any feminine hygiene products readily available, or I'll be in public, or getting ready to go swimming or something and then my whole day just gets messed up over it.

 There are things to help with PCOS, like eating healthier/dieting, exercising, or even taking medicine, which is fantastic. However, from what I understand about this, there is no known cure or fix-all, you can only help alleviate your symptoms.

 I'm going to admit something else that I don't like to tell a lot of people, partly due to feeling like they may view me differently. I have been on birth control twice. The first pill I took made me feel really bad (that was a long while back) so I went off of it slowly.
 The second pill I was on, just after being diagnosed, worsened my depression and caused some thoughts to come back that I haven't even touched in at least a year- I dropped it immediately and felt better within a week.
 It's a rough place to be in, because it really does help regulate your periods/hormones some, and some meds can help improve the other symptoms over time, too, but sometimes your mental health just has to win out, the way it did in my case.

 Having this diagnosis has really helped me a lot. It's helped me to understand other women with PCOS better. It's helped me learn how to take these symptoms and make them somewhat better, through eating better and exercising more (which I love anyway). It's made me realize that the way I feel isn't all in my head, and I don't feel like a freak the way I did when I was a little kid. I've become more assertive about what I need.

 Once when I was younger (I think I was 10 or 11), I was out with two particular family members. I had recently started my cycle, but I thought I would be okay to go on this outing. Well, when we got to a restaurant for lunch, I had a breakdown in the bathroom and had to call my parents to come get me.
 The particular family members I was with were not happy at all with me and I felt horrible about it. Despite reassurance from my mom (and even my dad) that it was okay, that I was okay, that the whole thing was okay, I thought I had done something wrong by not pushing through the pain.
 I don't think one of those family members ever fully let it go, but now knowing why I have such wonky periods and the pain and everything from it has made me realize that it's not my fault. I can't control how other people respond to me, but I can make sure that I'm doing what's best for my body.

 So long story short is that you're not alone. There are many of us going through PCOS and we have to stand united. I know it stinks, I know it's rough, but I understand, and I am here for all of you.

Ciao,
Hannah