Lots to Say

Hello friends,

 I've really dropped the ball on posting here lately, so apologies for that- it's been a mixture of laziness, being busy, and exhaustion. It's not really an excuse, but I don't like pushing myself to write blog posts, because then they all end up being depressing, haha

 If I'm being honestly, I've dug myself an emotional trench and laid down in it, and the more it's settled, the deeper it gets and the further I get pulled under. My anxiety is at an all time high. I've been hiding behind clothes and make up more than ever and pulling away from people I love just because I'm scared. I don't even know *what* I'm scared of- and that's where I'm struggling at.

 I've removed myself from some environments that were becoming toxic to my mental- and in lieu, physical- health which has been extremely cathartic and also terrifying. When your identity gets so caught up in one thing, you don't really know how to respond to things when you suddenly don't have it anymore.

 On top of struggling with my health (including what I believe may undiagnosed arthritis or something else along those lines- even sitting here typing this is miserable- but I digress,) both my eye doctor and family doctor close down at the end of the year, which is horrible because my mom & I have been going to that doctor for probably 11 years or so? I think she was going to her even before I did. And our eye doctor is the only eye doctor we've found who we've actually liked and takes our insurance, so that's lovely.

 We also just passed the 5th anniversary of my dad's passing which has been really, really, really tough. It's hard to believe it's been so long.

 Aside from emotional stuff, I've had quite a few pet sitting gigs which has been keeping me busy, plus drama club and dance class and other life stuff. I'm not home at all on Thursdays which is... a lot to handle, honestly. I feel extremely disconnected from everyone but I don't know how to reconnect; or truly, even if I want to do so.

 We've done some fun stuff lately, though, so it hasn't been all bad. We had our vacation in November; we went back to Disney World. It was stressful for various reasons, but overall we had a pretty enjoyable time!

 My family & I went to go see the Trans-Siberian Orchestra this month which was mind blowing. The musicians are all really talented and the show is so completely dramatic and overkill which is super entertaining.

 We also went to go see Frozen 2 a few days ago with our Grandma which was so fun. I hope to post a review of the movie soon. Also a bit ago, my family went to go see Spamilton, which is the parody musical of Hamilton. I haven't genuinely laughed so hard that much in soooooo long. It was hilarious & entertaining and the actors were mind blowingly talented. We had a blast.

 I also had a youth group Christmas party and auditioned a few things in our acting group and have gotten back into art making and just a bunch of different things.

 Really, life isn't all bad or all good. We're just kind of existing right now. Which is okay; but also not? I don't know how I'm feeling. I'm ready for the new year.

 How are you all doing? Leave a comment down below- let's chat!

-Hannah

Father's Day

Hello,

 This is a poem I wrote to share what I feel about Father's Day as someone whose dad is gone... it's a rough time of year for many, either those who don't have relationships with their dad, who were abused, or had their father pass (including myself... grief is a fickle thing), etc.

 Trigger warning: mentions of suicidal thoughts/death/etc.

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Everywhere, I see reminders of you.
CDs of your favorite bands,
Hawaiian shirts and plaid shirts of blue.
Every year is another year that we survive without you.
Things get easier, but it doesn't mean

that I stop missing you.

Cards and gifts and celebrations,
"Call your dad and tell him you love him."
I can't pick up my phone and give you a call-
I have to go to the cemetery to be near you at all.

You can't hear me from there, for you are not there, I know.
Where you are is so much better,

where plants will forever grow.
Streets made of gold, where pain ceases,
where fathers don't have to go.
Your dad misses you, Dad, though he won't say so.
This day is hard on him, and hard on Mom, and hard on us, you know.
You're gone but not forgotten,
and that almost makes it worse.
Everywhere I look, I see you like a curse.
You never saw me pick a major,
or see how Christian's grown.
Mom's got her bachelors,

and Beth's grown a backbone.
I miss you everyday,
but this is one of the worst.
You won't get to walk me down the aisle 

on my wedding day.
It isn't fair. It isn't okay.
My friends talking about their fathers,
while I look at the ground and curse.
I'm not angry anymore,
just upset that I can't tell you just how things are.
There's so much you've missed,
during these teenage years, and despite knowing where you are,

it still hurts to know you're not right here.
You didn't even get to see me learn to drive a car.
Christian and Bethanne look quite like you,
and they're growing every day.
Mom's a social worker, something new always.
Me? I don't know anymore.
Once, I tried to visit you,
but the medicine made my head get clear.
I think you would've been upset
if I hadn't spoken to the Big Guy up there.
This day brings up reminders,
of you, of all we've lost,
but most of all it makes me remember,
that all isn't actually lost.
Because even though I miss you,
and we've had to learn a lot,
I know someday we'll see you again,
and all will be okay.

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My Family

 

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 Ciao,
Hannah