Thinking & Grieving

Hello guys,

 Today hasn't been a bad day. It's been the opposite, actually. We just adopted a new kitty (named Mittens, who is super cute), saw some friends and my grandparents, I got a birthday card from some friends of mine that made me smile, ate good food... all in all, it really has been a good day.

 But it's also March 9th.

 49 years ago today, my Dad was born, but he's not here to celebrate with us.

 I can't stop thinking. It's like my brain is suddenly rocketing full-throttle into oblivion without a cause or reason. I think I'm good, I think I'm over the grieving process, and then it starts all over again. Some days it's so bad I feel like throwing up, other days I don't think about my Dad at all.

 Then, my brother & I were just watching tv, and there's this show we watch on the Disney channel called Coop & Cami Ask the World. It's not a great show, and it's not educational or truly beneficial in any way, but I get it. The Wrather kids- Coop, Cami, and their two siblings- lost their dad, and are still working through the grieving process, which is apparent in some of the episodes.

 In the episode we're on, Cami had an angry/upset breakdown over directed at their mom's boyfriend. This isn't something specifically that I relate to, because my mom isn't currently dating, but it's still there in the back of my mind that it's a possibility at some point.

 But the point is, is that I understand everything feeling okay, until all of a sudden there's all these reminders about this person from someone else, this person you'll never get to see again, and it all comes flooding back too quickly to process through.

 The tears make the words get stuck in your throat and your vision goes dark and all you can feel is how angry you are. How sad you are. How tired you are.

 I'm so tired. Tired of grieving. Tired of missing him. Tired of him missing things. Tired of not being able to control it. Tired of being angry. Just... tired. Exhausted, even. Physically and mentally... there has not been a day since Dad died that I have not been tired. It's like, no matter how happy I am, no matter what I'm doing, no matter what about anything, I cannot stop being tired.

 There's not much of a point to this, except to say I'm tired and I miss my Dad. I miss his terrible jokes and ugly Hawaiian-print shirts. I miss his dorky smile and stories from work, I miss sharing new music with him, I miss late-night trips to the dollar store as a family.

 Things weren't perfect then, things aren't perfect now, and things may be better, but I still really, really miss him.

Signing off,
Hannah