Post-Grad Grumblings

Hello y'all,

 This post is a heavily-vent-y post, because I've been very frustrated and, truth be told, hurt, lately. I'm giving a small language warning for this post. If you don't like it- please just go past this post. Now, moving on. It's graduation season again, and that means I've been out of high school for a year.

 Like, what??? How did that happen?

 The frustration comes in when I see everyone celebrating my friends and family members who are almost graduated from high school/just graduated. I worked my ass off for years, through living hell as I experienced lots of trauma and depressive episodes, and managed to graduate 2 years early. I'm already in college, if I start doing a full course load I could graduate in 4ish semesters with my associate's degree.

 And yet I got none of the recognition that came from it. I invited a ton of people to my graduation party and I had 3 of my close friends show up, as well as a few of my mom's friends, but we shared a graduation party because she graduated with her bachelor's at that point.

 Which, I love my mom, and I know she'll read this, and it's something we've talked about before. But I do regret this. Since I didn't have a graduation ceremony, the one celebration I had, I had to share. And I'm proud and happy that she graduated, but it also left me with a feeling of not being good enough because here I am, excited about HS graduation, and she just graduated with her bachelor's from college. But that's not really the main issue, it's just the lack of people who've really seemed happy for me.

 I appreciate my friends who came, don't get me wrong. Those three girls coming made me so happy- but it doesn't change the fact that pretty much none of my family showed up. Other friends, mentors, and people in my life couldn't take half an hour to just stop by. That's all I wanted.

 I know you should do things for yourself, but it hurts when it feels like no one genuinely cares, about something other people have a big deal made out of. Half of my family doesn't even realize I graduated- and no one has bothered to care anyway, because I was homeschooled, so obviously I'm not truly educated. I didn't have a graduation ceremony and since barely anyone showed up to my party, it sends a pretty big vibe of 'screw you'.

 I've always tried to prove people wrong, show them that I'm smart, but the truth is? I just don't care anymore. I'm so tired of it. When no one cares enough to ask how school is going, or see how I'm doing, I just don't care.

 I. Just. Don't. Care. Anymore.

 Don't get me wrong, I'm thrilled for my friends and family who are graduating, truly. I'm so proud of them, whether it's college or HS. It's a big deal and I'm so glad and excited to see where God is going to open doors for you next.

 I just wish people cared enough about what He was opening up for me.

 And I do appreciate what people did do for me; those who cared enough to show up, or wish me congratulations, and my church at the time for including me in the grad recognition ceremony. I love them/you all and I can't thank you enough.

 But I also really wish that the other people in my life, the ones who are supposed to care about me and my accomplishments, actually did. I wish I'd been able to have a ceremony. I wish I didn't feel sick when I look at my diploma. But most of all? I wish I could stop being so upset about it all.

 Ciao,
Hannah