Life Here Lately...

Photo by Yoann Boyer on Unsplash

Hey y'all,

 It has been a seriously long time since I last posted- a little over 3 months, in fact. You would not believe the amount of times I've sat down to write a blog post, and then just had absolutely nothing come to me. I've shared writing on Instagram, and Facebook, and entered poetry contests, but for some reason the idea of writing a full blog post seemed so intimidating.
 Simultaneously everything and nothing has happened these past three months; it's honestly rather strange. My last post was February 10th, so I suppose I'll just try to go back and talk about what's been going on in chronological order.

 Hopping way back to January, I mentioned it briefly but never really talked about it- my siblings and I had the Musical Theatre Revue with our acting group. It was super stressful and the theater had a freaking ridiculous amount of stairs, but otherwise it was a lot of fun. My brother was apart of the stage crew for that show and my sister and I were on stage. We had a duet which turned out pretty rough (I Dreamed a Dream from Les Mis), but my sister did a great job on her solo (Home from Beetlejuice). All the group numbers went reallt

 Sometime in either January or February we also went back to Otherworld in Columbus, which was my brother's Christmas present, but it was a bit of a rough weekend trip due to various reasons, but we still had a pretty okay time regardless.

 Something I never posted about on here was that on February 8th, I got to go see my favorite band, The Lumineers, in concert. While it took forever for them to get on stage and I was not a fan of their two openers, the Lumineers themselves were mind-blowing. My Mom got me tickets for Christmas and I'm still so grateful. Lots of (happy) tears were shed that night. However, we were in Cleveland at night, with a concert that just got out, in the middle of Winter, and ended up having to walk back to our hotel...

 Which kick-started me feeling sick. I started feeling pretty gross and sniffly and stuff, but managed to pull through that week, looking forward to my birthday, and then the day of my birthday (and party arrived), and I was sick as a dog. I slept most of the day before, and then the day of my party, I helped set up for my party (invitations had all been sent out + non-refundable venue), and then spent the rest of the time alternating between sitting at a table with my head lying on it or throwing up in the bathroom... so shout-out to my bestie Sophia for chilling with me the whole time despite me being sick. She's a real one, y'all.
 I feel really bad because I barely talked to any of my friends at my party (the ones who showed up anyway, y'all are fantastic and I love you). I pretty much parked myself between Soph, my siblings, and my grandparents and spent my eighteenth birthday feeling like dirt. It was a very depressing way to spend the day, and as soon as we got home, I went to bed. I didn't get to eat any of the snacks we got or really enjoy my decorations or anything. I'm still super peeved, but it is what it is I suppose.

 Then I was pretty sick for the next week or two, and the Thursday after my party (about 5 days later) I thought I was going to die so my Mom took me to the ER (...I was supposed to be at dance class lol), and turns out I just had a God-awful case of bronchitis. They put me on meds and other than a lingering cough, I was good in about another week or two.
 February's a bit of a blur. January-February are almost always rough months for me, the past 2 or 3 years I've come down with really serious illnesses around/on my birthday that usually start at the end of January. I don''t know what the deal is, but it just happens every time without fail.

 At the end of February/beginning of March, we went to go see our friend Naomi in a show at the La Comedia dinner theatre, which is an awesome place. It was The King & I, which I'd never had much interest in before, but it was amazing! I had such a great time and Naomi did a lovely job.

 After this is where things start to get blurry- with the Covid-19 pandemic, everything is crazy. I pretty much am temporarily unemployed because no one needs a pet sitter because no one can actually travel right now. I've been going stir-crazy with not being able to go see my friends or at least take my siblings places or go to the movies with my family and stuff. Never did I ever think we'd be living through a world-wide pandemic. Just goes to show life never goes as planned.

 Unfortunately, we had to rehome our one pup, Buster, because he wasn't a good fit for our family. He is a great dog, just not great for our situation, but I do miss the little stinker. We've also lost a few of our other pets these past few months unfortunately, and it does hurt my heart a lot.
 The company I used to dance with, Fueled & Aflame, had a final concert so I went back to dance with them for that- it ended up being virtual which was a rough send-off for something that has had so many memories and time put into it and stuff. It was better than nothing, though. Shortly after, things started closing for us. Our acting group had to cancel our production of Godspell, which means (aside from like, Soph and I and maybe a few others) the seniors don't get a final bow, which is really quite sad.
 Dance class is on hold for in-person classes which is really depressing. I love my studio, and so it's been rough not being able to see everyone (especially being the 'new kid'). We've had classes over Zoom, but it's just not the same, plus I'm really struggling with picking up choreography, and I'm not sure exactly how recital will work this year, which makes me sad, because it was going to be my first recital with this studio.

 Overall, this pandemic has just been a hellish situation for everyone. I'm glad things are opening again, but I'm also concerned about a spike in cases. One day at a time, I suppose. I'm ready for things to be normal again but I know 'normal' is not really ever going to be on the horizon again. We live in such a digital age that I think this will change us forever.
 There are things to look forward to, though. I have two more college classes starting next month. I'm taking a humanities course and a history course. I declared (unofficially) my major as theatre but have switched to a general associate of art's because I honestly have no idea what the heck I want to do with my life.
 My siblings & I are taking our friend Syd to prom in July (delayed because of Covid), so that's going to be a blast. I've also been using this time for good, and Sophia and I are starting up our own dance company. Everything is lined up so now I'm using my anxious energy to expend on choreography and website building and such. I hope to find an official job soon and start planning for when I'm stable and able to move out. I also hope to start taking boxing lessons once things open back up. Good and bad, bad and good. Just doing my best to focus on the good.

 So this has been a brief- but not-so-brief- overview of what my life has been like lately. How are things in your neck of the woods? Let me know in the comments :)
 -Hannah

New Year, New Insanity

Hey guys!

 I'm sorry I've been absent. I'd blame it on being busy (which is somewhat reasonable) but really I just didn't feel like writing any blog posts.

 Just in the past month and a half, I have...

1. Declared (unofficially because I'm still high school age) a major (Theatre!)
2. Started an Instagram account for my poetry,
3. Adopted a new dog,
4. Got tickets to go see my favorite band (for Christmas- thanks Mom!),
5. Started a writing group with a dear friend of mine,
6. Took an overnight trip to Columbus,
7. Got into making OOAK dolls,
8. Have grown my collection of My Little Ponies & Barbies,
9. Celebrated the new year ofc!,
10. Planned my birthday party- this month!!!,
11. Had tech week with a 3-show weekend,

 And that doesn't include all of the regular life stuff and smaller events that have happened. Things have been pretty wild around here. Not bad or anything, but hectic. I start a dog sitting job tomorrow (today, technically, when this is posted haha), and we start rehearsals for our next show on Thursday- Godspell- and I'm so excited.

 Dance has been going well, although I had to miss this past week because of one of our shows with acting, but I'm pretty stoked about the choreo we've been working on. Although for our jazz dance we'll be in character shoes which makes me anxious.

 Here soon we'll be taking an overnight trip to go see The Lumineers and I'm just so happy. They mean so much to me, and I can't wait to see them perform live.

 I'll update more soon when I can! Much love to all of you.

-Hannah

h u r t

 There a handful of things that feel like a constant in my life. Loneliness, regret, hurt, and failure/fear of failure. And I'd be lying if I said I felt like things were going great right now. I'm pushing my friends away (some for good reasons, honestly) and only have one true, solid friendship right now that I feel 100% confident in.

 And this probably sounds horrible, like I don't trust people, especially those friends of mine who may feel hurt that I've said this. It's not that you've done anything wrong. I certainly hope I haven't wronged you. It's not through anything either of us have done or where our relationship stands, but I'm so tired of being burned.

 I'm always a second pick. I'm someone that people can turn to when they're hurting. I will welcome you with open arms and listen, or give advice, or whatever it is you may need. I get it. I've probably been there. I love you and I want to make sure you know it. I'm always available.

 And that's my issue.

 I'm not good at creating boundaries. I don't want to be rude, I don't want to be pushy. So then I become a doormat. I become a catch-all for other people's feelings, hurts, traumas. And I'm tired of it, so I've started creating boundaries, but it's always with the wrong people. And it makes things worse. And so then I stop altogether, I falter and flounder until I'm trapped.

 Like I said, I have one good friend of mine who is always there for me. I can count on her for anything, and vice versa. She's my partner in crime and confidant. She listens to me bawling my eyes out in a hotel bathroom over FaceTime at midnight.

 My other friends say they're there for me. That we're thick as thieves. But thieves turn on each other. And that's when I end up crying in a hotel bathroom at midnight.

 I don't want to hurt anymore. Between the physical and mental... it's all just too much. I want to be happy. I want to do the things that make me happy with people I don't have to tiptoe around. I want to live life to the fullest extent I can. I want to push past my physical limitations and stop feeling so emotionally vulnerable.

 I can't even speak my truths to my therapist because sometimes it feels stupid. Everything that happens isn't as bad as it seems. It's minor overreactions. But I'm trapped in these feelings and every.thing.hurts.

 I'm tired of being the black sheep. I'm tired of being the outsider looking in. I always have a foot in the door and the rest of my body out. Sometimes people are grabbing me and pulling me further in, only to suddenly turn and push my whole self out of the doorframe.

 So many of my relationships are hanging by a thread. My art's taken a darker turn. There's more self portraits now, and I'm never smiling. It's not intentional. I like drawing smiles. But I don't feel like I, myself, can do it anymore. Everything makes me break down.

 I want to be bold and brave and joyful. I want to focus on God & myself and let that be enough. But I just can't. The people around me are hurting me and half the time don't even know it. I'm being held at arm's length so much. Do they forget me, or ignore me on purpose?

 I don't know what hurts worse anymore.

An August Recap

Hey y'all,

 This post is kind of just a ~recap~ of how August went- sort of a journal entry in a way. August felt like it was taking forever to get through, but now that it's over, it feels like it barely even existed.

 I was going to share some photos, but I think a plain text post is a better idea right now- I'm not at home while I'm writing this so I don't have a great way to transfer photos.

 At the beginning of the month, I had a dog sitting gig, and Descendants 3 premiered. It might seem silly for an almost-adult to get so excited over a kid's movie... but dude, I was thriving. I like Disney Channel movies way too much, lol.

 Then on the 7th, my grandparents came over to our house to have a mini celebration for my mom's birthday (which was on the 8th). We gave her gifts and had cake and ice cream and stuff. It was a pretty fun night. Also this month, we celebrated both of my Grandparent's birthdays as well (and my grandma's was a landmark birthday- 70!).

 Fast forward a few days, and we went to go see Shrek the Musical. It was actually so good, and super funny. It was at La Comedia dinner theater so we had a fun meal and saw a fantastic show, it was a really fun experience and I loved it.

 We also had a Youth Arts Ambassadors meeting. Unfortunately, time wise and stuff, we couldn't end up doing it this year, but seeing what all they have planned for the year makes me excited about where the arts in our community are going.

 At one point I met up with my one of my dear friend's mom, and a friend of hers. I can't go into detail on here about everything without being a jerk by over sharing, but we had an impromptu concert of sorts and just... it was a really good evening. Very Holy Spirit filled and just ultra powerful.

 Around the middle of the month, my mom & I auditioned for a play called Jake's Women. Unfortunately, neither of us got parts, but it was still fun and gives more audition experience, at least.

 My siblings and I also had auditions for our homeschool acting group in mid-August. We're doing a Broadway/musical theatre revue in January and we're performing the full version of Godspell in May! We're really excited. Unfortunately, we can't be placed in parts for Godspell until January due to MTI rules and such, but that's okay. I'm excited to get things prepped for the Broadway show. We have our first rehearsal next week.

 I had my last practices at the dance studio, since it's closing down. It's very bittersweet- I'm excited for what all the companies have in store, but the studio has been, and is, a huge part of my life. I've also begun taking a class at my friend Sophia's dance studio, so we're going to be seeing each other almost all day every Thursday because we're both in acting too, so that's pretty cool. Plus youth group starts back up soon, which we both attend.

 We've spent a lot of time with my Grandma (my mom's mom) this month, going out to eat, going to King's Island, Ikea, those kinds of things. It's been fun just going out and doing random stuff.

 We went to go see the movie Ready Or Not at the end of the month, which was very interesting. I might be posting a review soon, I'm not sure yet, but we'll see. It was entertaining though and it was almost midnight so we had the entire theater to ourselves which was a blast.

 On Friday (the 30th) our Mom surprised us with a trip to Other World in Columbus, where I've been wanting to go since before they even opened, lol. I WILL be posting about that soon, because it was such a blast. I haven't smiled that much in a really long time, haha!

 How was everyone else's month? Did everyone have a good August? Drop a comment below and let me know!

Ciao,
Hannah

The One About Relationships

Hello everybody,

 Today I'm going to be talking about boys... so that's... fun. Or more specifically, romance, specifically among teenagers.

 I, myself, have never been in a relationship of any sort. Until just recently, I didn't even really talk to many guys except for one or two I'd grown up with, and even now I don't regularly hang out with guys. If you don't get to know someone, it's hard for a relationship to develop; and I think that's something I've been thinking about a lot lately.

 I am not someone who is good at reaching out to get to know people. I'm always terrified of things coming across as creepy or awkward, and then I end up avoiding it altogether. Friendships are a struggle and romantic relationships? Forget it.

 But due to this, I've been able to see my friends & peers go on dates and develop relationships. Watching from the outside, it's quite interesting to see how relationships come about. I have friends who have already gotten married, friends who have never dated/gotten married, friends who are casually dating, friends who are in a official relationship... and I guess the thing that I've learned through all of that is to not let your relationship status define you.

 People, especially teenagers and young adults, seem so keen on letting their relationships define themselves. I know there's this desire to love and to be loved- but it doesn't have to be romantic. There is joy in just learning about yourself, loving friends and loving family. Everyone has a different time line. Some people don't ever get married or date, and that's totally fine, too. Your worth, value, and personality is not determined by who you are-or-aren't with.

 There is a boy I like, and that's okay. But I'm not in any rush to pursue a relationship, because I need to work on myself first. Me, myself & I. Above all, I know that God loves me. And truly, that trumps any relationship here on earth, romantic or platonic. Because I know that no matter what my relationship status is, God is always there. He is always looking out for me, and that's all I need to know.

 Ciao for now,
 Hannah Bailey

What I've Been Up To

Hey everyone!!

 It has been a g e s since I last posted- which is actually kind of a good thing, because I've been really busy, doing stuff that I (mostly) love. Life's been hectic and I haven't had much time or energy to just sit down and write a blog post.

 Forewarning: this is going to be a very picture-heavy post, so it might run somewhat slow on data or slow wifi systems.

 So, at the beginning of June, my siblings & I had our end-of-year dance concert. It was quite bittersweet- I've stuck with dance, but cut back a lot, and my siblings dropped it altogether, and things are changing with the company I dance with. It's a big year of change.

Opus- my favorite piece, like, ever. It holds a special place in my heart.
Obviously not my photo... seeing as I'm in it. :) haha

  Then, the day after our performance, we went and saw my dear friend Sophia in her dance recital, where she played Tinkerbell (they did a version of Peter Pan for their production). It was wonderful and I love seeing her dance.

 Also in June, we adopted a new kitten! We named her Glinda. Now we've got 5 cats- it's a bit of a madhouse around here, lots of meowing. From oldest to youngest, it's Sherbert, Briar, Mittens, Elphaba, and Glinda.

 In June we also had all 6 of our shows for Annie Jr. It went amazing and I'm so proud of all of the people involved. We sold out 4 of 6 shows! It's a small theatre, but still! Pretty darn cool. It went splendidly, even with a few injuries and insanities that happened.

I can't find the one of me, my siblings, and Soph, so here's one without Christian. (sorry, dude.)
Also peep those little kids taller than the adult cop. :P

The orphanage set-up! (I painted the two signs on the back wall. Took forever but totally worth it.)

 At the end of June, my sister, mom & I all went to go see Waitress the musical. I saw off-Broadway versions of Beauty & the Beast and The Lion King, but this was a whole other experience and I had a total blast. It's one of my favorite musicals, and I may or may not have sobbed through the entirety of She Used to Be Mine. #notsorry

 At the beginning of July, my family & I binged the entirety of Stranger Things in one sitting. No regrets... this season was amazing and well worth the hype!

 Also in July, I re-auditioned for dance. I wasn't going to, but something in me just knew I couldn't survive without it. So I prayed about it, and decided to just go for it. I'm a trainee with the adult company, Fueled and Aflame, this year.

 Then in mid-July/late-ish July, my siblings and I attended a 2-week acting camp where we put together an entire show in a week (the rest of the time was spent learning new techniques and stuff). I learned so much and had a blast getting to know every one. We all traded Instagrams and Snapchats and such to stay in contact.

 We did an original play called After Ever After that was written by our teacher, Kylee. She did a great job and we all had a blast with it. I had the only non-fairytale role in the show as Alex the crowd-manager. My siblings played Jack and Jill, respectively. It was a total blast and, if I do say so myself, really good for being put together in such a short time.

Beth goofing off in her Jill costume on stage.

My siblings & I.

My siblings & I with Sophia.
(I should add that Soph wasn't in the show- she came to see it and support us, because that's just the amazing person she is)

  Also in this time, my family went to go see The Lion King. In my opinion, it was beautifully done, had an excellent cast, and was just all around a really good movie. Not one of my favorite Disney movies, per say, but definitely at the top of my list for ones that seriously impressed me.

My siblings & I also screwed around in the arcade, where I won that rubber duck, and in the photo booth.

 Christian also turned 13 on the 26th of July! No more kiddos in the house- we're all *nervously* approaching adulthood.

 The last two photos are from a cool coffee shop that's here locally... we went with our mom to the homeschool assessment that we have to do every year, and I got an Italian soda float with creme de menthe syrup and like- YUM. I also got my mom chocolate-strawberry blooming tea.

 At the very tail end of July, my family went on a mini-trip which I'll share a full post about later. For now, I'm off to go watch Descendents 3 and cuddle with some dogs! I'll see y'all around.

Until next time,
Hannah