Hey guys,
This post is going to be super vent-y and maybe just a little whiney, so please just bear with me.
I feel like I'm running on empty anymore. It's that tiredness that becomes one with your soul and like, sinks into your bones. It makes you feel like your whole body is made of lead and you're just dragging alone, hoping and praying that you don't collapse.
I felt like saying I don't know why, but I do. I really, truly do. Things honestly aren't bad right now- but they're busy, so very busy, and at night when I lie down I still can't sleep because I'm just so wound up from the daytime. I just can't get my brain to quiet down for five minutes. I keep thinking about what I need to do tomorrow... and the next day... and this weekend... and next week... it never stops.
It. Never. Stops.
And then there's the jealousy. I'm struggling with this really bad again. It's been a while since I've had a really bad bout of jealousy, but it's kicking my butt here lately. It's a big issue, because I want to just be happy for my friends, and happy for myself, and not compare the two and wish I had things the way they do.
The worst part is, it's never easy stuff to get over. It's not friends who have giant wardrobes, or the newest tech, or cool beauty products. I couldn't care less. I'm happy with what I have as far as that goes. It's the big stuff, the relationships, the talents, the opportunities. And it irks me to my core that I can't just get over it. And that leads to the anger. I don't know what I'm angry at. Everything, I guess? It's like I'm a pot just always on the verge of boiling over the top. Always a step from the edge. Always an inch away from a mile.
It's affecting my relationships. I'm shutting people out again. I'm breaking off friendships without meaning too, or wanting too... my emotions are clouding my vision, and I hate it, because my logic is so flawed that, pardon my language, either way I go, I'm screwed.
Like I said, I just needed to vent. I've been sick the past two Mondays and haven't been able to make it to my counseling appointments so I'm struggling with keeping a clear mind. I need to go draw and get this out of my system.
Ciao for now,
Hannah
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