Yet Another Life Update

    Ciao, y'all. It's been a long time since I've last posted on here, and honestly I don't have much of an excuse other than... I'm lazy and tired. And fairly busy, but also not? Life's been weird lately, y'all.

    At the point of me writing this, a lot has changed. I last posted in May of this year, so it's been a solid few months. Currently I'm sitting in my living room, while my mom & sister are both asleep in their respective bedrooms, my brother is live streaming himself playing Roblox in the computer room/kitchen, and my dogs & boyfriend are all three asleep next to me. 

    I've grown a lot as a person this year, in some good ways and some bad ways. I've grown to be a lot more honest about what I'm feeling- and right now, it's really depressed- which has been helpful to me, but I can also be a bit of a downer to be around anymore. 

    I haven't seen any of my friends much due to the virus and just general insanity, and it's definitely taken a toll on a lot of my relationships. I've also lost a lot of 5+ year friendships/relationships in the past few months which has been a really hard pill to swallow. I'm trying to make piece with it, but it's a lot easier said than done.

    I've been writing a lot of poetry, it's been helping me clear my head and get things down on paper. I've also been drawing and painting a lot too, which has been helping as well. Dance for me has been a hard thing to really do due to some trauma (which is also related to the aforementioned lost friendships) but I'm trying- it's just been a struggle to find joy in the art form much anymore, even though I do love it. Covid's also made it hard for my lovely friend Sophia and I to find meeting places for our company which has really put a lot of things at a stand still as well. 

    My siblings and I did unfortunately have to drop out of our acting group as well, just due to safety worries/precautions and Covid scares. We're still enrolled in dance classes though and those are going well. We're going to do a recorded version of the Nutcracker which should be fun too. My brother is a piece of taffy as well as the Mouse King. My sister is the Candy Cane Ambassador (which we kinda made up for our version of the show, she's on par with like Sugar Plum, Mother Ginger, etc). I'm playing the part of Mother Ginger. Sophia is going to be like the Flower Fairy or something similar, and our friends Ava and Ella are playing Clara and the Nutcracker respectively. 

    I've had 2 legit jobs, I've worked at Sally Beauty and Torrid in the past few months. I quit at Torrid after a couple weeks because I was working 2 (3 if you count pet sitting) jobs at the same time and it was exhausting. I worked at Sally's from June to sometime late September, due to some personal issues and not enough hours/trouble at the store. So I am yet again on the job search- but it could certainly be worse, I suppose.

    I'm currently taking an art appreciation course for school, I'm back on track for Associate's of the Arts because I realized I am NOT cut out to be a theatre major, lol. It's boring but I only have like, 5 weeks left of this course so I can't complain too much. It's just a weird class.

    We've adopted 2 more kittens, Maui and Moana. Originally Maui was named Te Fiti until we realized that Te Fiti was not actually a girl... so then he became Maui. They're really sweet cats, Moana is my little baby. She likes to try to come lay on my laptop whenever I'm typing anything at all.

    I met my boyfriend in August, and we've been together for over 2 months now. He's an amazing guy and I'm really blessed to have met him. Other than Instagram, I've been refraining from posting too much about him just to maintain privacy and such but he's a huge part of my life and I love him lots. He even gets along with my family, which is no easy feat.

    We recently went on a trip (meaning my mom, brother, boyfriend and I) to Cincinnati/Newport. We went to the Newport Aquarium, did a few escape rooms, hung out, and just had a good time in general. It was nice to get away for a bit and do something fun.

    There's honestly not much else to say right now. Life is still pretty boring- reasonably so- because of the virus and everything, so this is about the most dumb life update I've ever done. But it's all good, y'know? Things could always be worse, so I'm just riding things out.

Ciao for now,
Hannah

Lots to Say

Hello friends,

 I've really dropped the ball on posting here lately, so apologies for that- it's been a mixture of laziness, being busy, and exhaustion. It's not really an excuse, but I don't like pushing myself to write blog posts, because then they all end up being depressing, haha

 If I'm being honestly, I've dug myself an emotional trench and laid down in it, and the more it's settled, the deeper it gets and the further I get pulled under. My anxiety is at an all time high. I've been hiding behind clothes and make up more than ever and pulling away from people I love just because I'm scared. I don't even know *what* I'm scared of- and that's where I'm struggling at.

 I've removed myself from some environments that were becoming toxic to my mental- and in lieu, physical- health which has been extremely cathartic and also terrifying. When your identity gets so caught up in one thing, you don't really know how to respond to things when you suddenly don't have it anymore.

 On top of struggling with my health (including what I believe may undiagnosed arthritis or something else along those lines- even sitting here typing this is miserable- but I digress,) both my eye doctor and family doctor close down at the end of the year, which is horrible because my mom & I have been going to that doctor for probably 11 years or so? I think she was going to her even before I did. And our eye doctor is the only eye doctor we've found who we've actually liked and takes our insurance, so that's lovely.

 We also just passed the 5th anniversary of my dad's passing which has been really, really, really tough. It's hard to believe it's been so long.

 Aside from emotional stuff, I've had quite a few pet sitting gigs which has been keeping me busy, plus drama club and dance class and other life stuff. I'm not home at all on Thursdays which is... a lot to handle, honestly. I feel extremely disconnected from everyone but I don't know how to reconnect; or truly, even if I want to do so.

 We've done some fun stuff lately, though, so it hasn't been all bad. We had our vacation in November; we went back to Disney World. It was stressful for various reasons, but overall we had a pretty enjoyable time!

 My family & I went to go see the Trans-Siberian Orchestra this month which was mind blowing. The musicians are all really talented and the show is so completely dramatic and overkill which is super entertaining.

 We also went to go see Frozen 2 a few days ago with our Grandma which was so fun. I hope to post a review of the movie soon. Also a bit ago, my family went to go see Spamilton, which is the parody musical of Hamilton. I haven't genuinely laughed so hard that much in soooooo long. It was hilarious & entertaining and the actors were mind blowingly talented. We had a blast.

 I also had a youth group Christmas party and auditioned a few things in our acting group and have gotten back into art making and just a bunch of different things.

 Really, life isn't all bad or all good. We're just kind of existing right now. Which is okay; but also not? I don't know how I'm feeling. I'm ready for the new year.

 How are you all doing? Leave a comment down below- let's chat!

-Hannah

h u r t

 There a handful of things that feel like a constant in my life. Loneliness, regret, hurt, and failure/fear of failure. And I'd be lying if I said I felt like things were going great right now. I'm pushing my friends away (some for good reasons, honestly) and only have one true, solid friendship right now that I feel 100% confident in.

 And this probably sounds horrible, like I don't trust people, especially those friends of mine who may feel hurt that I've said this. It's not that you've done anything wrong. I certainly hope I haven't wronged you. It's not through anything either of us have done or where our relationship stands, but I'm so tired of being burned.

 I'm always a second pick. I'm someone that people can turn to when they're hurting. I will welcome you with open arms and listen, or give advice, or whatever it is you may need. I get it. I've probably been there. I love you and I want to make sure you know it. I'm always available.

 And that's my issue.

 I'm not good at creating boundaries. I don't want to be rude, I don't want to be pushy. So then I become a doormat. I become a catch-all for other people's feelings, hurts, traumas. And I'm tired of it, so I've started creating boundaries, but it's always with the wrong people. And it makes things worse. And so then I stop altogether, I falter and flounder until I'm trapped.

 Like I said, I have one good friend of mine who is always there for me. I can count on her for anything, and vice versa. She's my partner in crime and confidant. She listens to me bawling my eyes out in a hotel bathroom over FaceTime at midnight.

 My other friends say they're there for me. That we're thick as thieves. But thieves turn on each other. And that's when I end up crying in a hotel bathroom at midnight.

 I don't want to hurt anymore. Between the physical and mental... it's all just too much. I want to be happy. I want to do the things that make me happy with people I don't have to tiptoe around. I want to live life to the fullest extent I can. I want to push past my physical limitations and stop feeling so emotionally vulnerable.

 I can't even speak my truths to my therapist because sometimes it feels stupid. Everything that happens isn't as bad as it seems. It's minor overreactions. But I'm trapped in these feelings and every.thing.hurts.

 I'm tired of being the black sheep. I'm tired of being the outsider looking in. I always have a foot in the door and the rest of my body out. Sometimes people are grabbing me and pulling me further in, only to suddenly turn and push my whole self out of the doorframe.

 So many of my relationships are hanging by a thread. My art's taken a darker turn. There's more self portraits now, and I'm never smiling. It's not intentional. I like drawing smiles. But I don't feel like I, myself, can do it anymore. Everything makes me break down.

 I want to be bold and brave and joyful. I want to focus on God & myself and let that be enough. But I just can't. The people around me are hurting me and half the time don't even know it. I'm being held at arm's length so much. Do they forget me, or ignore me on purpose?

 I don't know what hurts worse anymore.

Father's Day

Hello,

 This is a poem I wrote to share what I feel about Father's Day as someone whose dad is gone... it's a rough time of year for many, either those who don't have relationships with their dad, who were abused, or had their father pass (including myself... grief is a fickle thing), etc.

 Trigger warning: mentions of suicidal thoughts/death/etc.

----

Everywhere, I see reminders of you.
CDs of your favorite bands,
Hawaiian shirts and plaid shirts of blue.
Every year is another year that we survive without you.
Things get easier, but it doesn't mean

that I stop missing you.

Cards and gifts and celebrations,
"Call your dad and tell him you love him."
I can't pick up my phone and give you a call-
I have to go to the cemetery to be near you at all.

You can't hear me from there, for you are not there, I know.
Where you are is so much better,

where plants will forever grow.
Streets made of gold, where pain ceases,
where fathers don't have to go.
Your dad misses you, Dad, though he won't say so.
This day is hard on him, and hard on Mom, and hard on us, you know.
You're gone but not forgotten,
and that almost makes it worse.
Everywhere I look, I see you like a curse.
You never saw me pick a major,
or see how Christian's grown.
Mom's got her bachelors,

and Beth's grown a backbone.
I miss you everyday,
but this is one of the worst.
You won't get to walk me down the aisle 

on my wedding day.
It isn't fair. It isn't okay.
My friends talking about their fathers,
while I look at the ground and curse.
I'm not angry anymore,
just upset that I can't tell you just how things are.
There's so much you've missed,
during these teenage years, and despite knowing where you are,

it still hurts to know you're not right here.
You didn't even get to see me learn to drive a car.
Christian and Bethanne look quite like you,
and they're growing every day.
Mom's a social worker, something new always.
Me? I don't know anymore.
Once, I tried to visit you,
but the medicine made my head get clear.
I think you would've been upset
if I hadn't spoken to the Big Guy up there.
This day brings up reminders,
of you, of all we've lost,
but most of all it makes me remember,
that all isn't actually lost.
Because even though I miss you,
and we've had to learn a lot,
I know someday we'll see you again,
and all will be okay.

---- 

My Family

 

----

 Ciao,
Hannah

Post-Grad Grumblings

Hello y'all,

 This post is a heavily-vent-y post, because I've been very frustrated and, truth be told, hurt, lately. I'm giving a small language warning for this post. If you don't like it- please just go past this post. Now, moving on. It's graduation season again, and that means I've been out of high school for a year.

 Like, what??? How did that happen?

 The frustration comes in when I see everyone celebrating my friends and family members who are almost graduated from high school/just graduated. I worked my ass off for years, through living hell as I experienced lots of trauma and depressive episodes, and managed to graduate 2 years early. I'm already in college, if I start doing a full course load I could graduate in 4ish semesters with my associate's degree.

 And yet I got none of the recognition that came from it. I invited a ton of people to my graduation party and I had 3 of my close friends show up, as well as a few of my mom's friends, but we shared a graduation party because she graduated with her bachelor's at that point.

 Which, I love my mom, and I know she'll read this, and it's something we've talked about before. But I do regret this. Since I didn't have a graduation ceremony, the one celebration I had, I had to share. And I'm proud and happy that she graduated, but it also left me with a feeling of not being good enough because here I am, excited about HS graduation, and she just graduated with her bachelor's from college. But that's not really the main issue, it's just the lack of people who've really seemed happy for me.

 I appreciate my friends who came, don't get me wrong. Those three girls coming made me so happy- but it doesn't change the fact that pretty much none of my family showed up. Other friends, mentors, and people in my life couldn't take half an hour to just stop by. That's all I wanted.

 I know you should do things for yourself, but it hurts when it feels like no one genuinely cares, about something other people have a big deal made out of. Half of my family doesn't even realize I graduated- and no one has bothered to care anyway, because I was homeschooled, so obviously I'm not truly educated. I didn't have a graduation ceremony and since barely anyone showed up to my party, it sends a pretty big vibe of 'screw you'.

 I've always tried to prove people wrong, show them that I'm smart, but the truth is? I just don't care anymore. I'm so tired of it. When no one cares enough to ask how school is going, or see how I'm doing, I just don't care.

 I. Just. Don't. Care. Anymore.

 Don't get me wrong, I'm thrilled for my friends and family who are graduating, truly. I'm so proud of them, whether it's college or HS. It's a big deal and I'm so glad and excited to see where God is going to open doors for you next.

 I just wish people cared enough about what He was opening up for me.

 And I do appreciate what people did do for me; those who cared enough to show up, or wish me congratulations, and my church at the time for including me in the grad recognition ceremony. I love them/you all and I can't thank you enough.

 But I also really wish that the other people in my life, the ones who are supposed to care about me and my accomplishments, actually did. I wish I'd been able to have a ceremony. I wish I didn't feel sick when I look at my diploma. But most of all? I wish I could stop being so upset about it all.

 Ciao,
Hannah

Respect Your Brain

Hello Friends, Foes, and those In-between,

 This month is mental health awareness month (it has been, but I just now got around to writing this post, obviously), and so I thought it would be an interesting thing to discuss what exactly 'respecting your brain' means.

 Essentially, I want to start by saying, your brain is an organ but just like any other part of your body- your heart, your stomach, all of these things. If your heart was in pain, you'd take care of it. If you had a stomach ache, you'd take care of it. So why not take care of your brain?

 We must strive to keep our minds healthy. It is a true culmination of our being; our thoughts are in our brain, the way we move, speak, think is all in our brain. Our brain helps us function. If it were not for our minds, we wouldn't be able to create, let alone enjoy, art and movies and music.

 Sometimes our brains need medicine, and that's okay. If you're on medicine, you are not alone! Many of us do for many different reasons, and it's totally okay to need a little bit of help to keep your brain healthy.

 And a healthy brain may be different for some people- mental illnesses are very troubling and may never go away... and believe it or not, that's okay. It's life. People with mental illnesses are just dealing with something, and if they need help, it's good and safe and absolutely okay.

 It's important to take care of your body, but it's also very, very, very important to take care of your brain, because it effects so much more than you think- take care of yourselves and give each other grace.

 Respect yourself. Respect your brain.

Ciao,
Hannah

Jealousy & Anger & Exhaustion, Oh My!

Hey guys,

 This post is going to be super vent-y and maybe just a little whiney, so please just bear with me.

 I feel like I'm running on empty anymore. It's that tiredness that becomes one with your soul and like, sinks into your bones. It makes you feel like your whole body is made of lead and you're just dragging alone, hoping and praying that you don't collapse.

 I felt like saying I don't know why, but I do. I really, truly do. Things honestly aren't bad right now- but they're busy, so very busy, and at night when I lie down I still can't sleep because I'm just so wound up from the daytime. I just can't get my brain to quiet down for five minutes. I keep thinking about what I need to do tomorrow... and the next day... and this weekend... and next week... it never stops.

 It. Never. Stops.

 And then there's the jealousy. I'm struggling with this really bad again. It's been a while since I've had a really bad bout of jealousy, but it's kicking my butt here lately. It's a big issue, because I want to just be happy for my friends, and happy for myself, and not compare the two and wish I had things the way they do.

 The worst part is, it's never easy stuff to get over. It's not friends who have giant wardrobes, or the newest tech, or cool beauty products. I couldn't care less. I'm happy with what I have as far as that goes. It's the big stuff, the relationships, the talents, the opportunities. And it irks me to my core that I can't just get over it. And that leads to the anger. I don't know what I'm angry at. Everything, I guess? It's like I'm a pot just always on the verge of boiling over the top. Always a step from the edge. Always an inch away from a mile.
 It's affecting my relationships. I'm shutting people out again. I'm breaking off friendships without meaning too, or wanting too... my emotions are clouding my vision, and I hate it, because my logic is so flawed that, pardon my language, either way I go, I'm screwed.

 Like I said, I just needed to vent. I've been sick the past two Mondays and haven't been able to make it to my counseling appointments so I'm struggling with keeping a clear mind. I need to go draw and get this out of my system.

Ciao for now,
Hannah

Out Of My Comfort Zone

Hello everyone,

 Lately, I have not been in my comfort zone. Part of me feels reckless, but part of me feels contented. It's strange but exhilarating and terrifying all at the same exact time. It's been taking steps out in faith and trust, sometimes by choice and sometimes out of necessity, but nonetheless it's been a change of pace.

 I'm generally quiet, a bit anxious, maybe even a little bit of an anti-social (not un-socialized, but definitely anti-social, haha!) homeschooler (well, was,). But lately, I've been finding myself talking more. I'm not going to lie, I'm constantly second guessing myself. Things like;

"Was that weird?"

"Did I talk too much?"
"Did I not talk enough?"

"Did I leave a bad impression?"
"Do they hate me?"

 ...are all constantly present in my mind. However, I've finally realized that if someone doesn't like me, they can either tell me, or just not socialize with me. I second guess my appearance too, but I've also realized that if someone is judging me for wearing sweatpants, or no make up, then they either have A: never had a bad day or been tired in their life, or B: need to get over themselves.

 I'm doing a lot of things, talking to lots of new people, pursuing higher education, I got a tattoo, joined an acting group, and have started actually talking to people I don't know very well. I signed up for camp and am actually trying things in dance I was scared to try before.

 My friend Sophia invited me to a super cool event where we hung out with a bunch of artists/photographers we didn't even really know, and I met some really great people and got some really great perspectives for my future. I'm going to try a youth group soon, which I've never really had the guts for, and I'm signed up for stuff on my college campus, which I also never thought I would do.

 And I'm still here, I'm still okay. Things haven't gone tragically wrong. It's exciting and calming to know that all this time, I've had this in me. I'm not floating alone in this vast world, I don't have to constantly tone myself down or do less things to make other people happy.

 I just want to live my life to the fullest, because I'm done going through the motions. Life is so much more exciting than I previously believed, and doing new things really opens you up to a whole new perspective.

Thinking & Grieving

Hello guys,

 Today hasn't been a bad day. It's been the opposite, actually. We just adopted a new kitty (named Mittens, who is super cute), saw some friends and my grandparents, I got a birthday card from some friends of mine that made me smile, ate good food... all in all, it really has been a good day.

 But it's also March 9th.

 49 years ago today, my Dad was born, but he's not here to celebrate with us.

 I can't stop thinking. It's like my brain is suddenly rocketing full-throttle into oblivion without a cause or reason. I think I'm good, I think I'm over the grieving process, and then it starts all over again. Some days it's so bad I feel like throwing up, other days I don't think about my Dad at all.

 Then, my brother & I were just watching tv, and there's this show we watch on the Disney channel called Coop & Cami Ask the World. It's not a great show, and it's not educational or truly beneficial in any way, but I get it. The Wrather kids- Coop, Cami, and their two siblings- lost their dad, and are still working through the grieving process, which is apparent in some of the episodes.

 In the episode we're on, Cami had an angry/upset breakdown over directed at their mom's boyfriend. This isn't something specifically that I relate to, because my mom isn't currently dating, but it's still there in the back of my mind that it's a possibility at some point.

 But the point is, is that I understand everything feeling okay, until all of a sudden there's all these reminders about this person from someone else, this person you'll never get to see again, and it all comes flooding back too quickly to process through.

 The tears make the words get stuck in your throat and your vision goes dark and all you can feel is how angry you are. How sad you are. How tired you are.

 I'm so tired. Tired of grieving. Tired of missing him. Tired of him missing things. Tired of not being able to control it. Tired of being angry. Just... tired. Exhausted, even. Physically and mentally... there has not been a day since Dad died that I have not been tired. It's like, no matter how happy I am, no matter what I'm doing, no matter what about anything, I cannot stop being tired.

 There's not much of a point to this, except to say I'm tired and I miss my Dad. I miss his terrible jokes and ugly Hawaiian-print shirts. I miss his dorky smile and stories from work, I miss sharing new music with him, I miss late-night trips to the dollar store as a family.

 Things weren't perfect then, things aren't perfect now, and things may be better, but I still really, really miss him.

Signing off,
Hannah

The Lost Ring

Hello lovely people. x

 When I was 11 or 12, there was a relatively new Christian book store (which is now one of my favorite hang-out spots due to the coffee shop, but that's not relevant to the story) that opened up in my hometown. Every so often I'd go in there with my family, and I hold those memories fondly in my mind.
 At some point, I happened upon a ring I really liked. It was a plain silver band, with black text that said, Saved by Grace through Faith. I can't remember why my parents actually got it for me, if it was a birthday, or if they got it for me that night, or what, but I LOVED that ring dearly. I wore it pretty much all the time.

 Then one day, I noticed it was gone. I looked, and looked, and... looked some more. For weeks. Eventually I gave up, and I haven't thought about it in a solid year or two; until a little while ago (like a month or so) I kind of mentioned it to myself in my thoughts and went on about my day.
 Then, in the car today with my grandparents, my Grandma asked if I knew who this little ring belonged to. I squinted, and picked it up with a gasp, turning the silver band over in my hand over and over in shock.

 "Where did you find this?" I questioned. My Grandpa spoke up and said it had gotten trapped in some crack in their driveway. I told them it was, indeed, my ring, and that I thought I had lost it forever.

 I'm sharing this story because not only does it mean a lot to me, but because if something as small and fragile as a ring can handle all kinds of weather- snow, rain, sleet & hail, intense heat, not to mention animals, mud, and multiple cars driving over it as well as people walking over it, who's to say you're not strong enough to make it?

 Something so small and so simple meant so much to me that I nearly started crying. Who's to say someone (you!) doesn't matter? You matter so much more than a ring, and that already means a lot. You have a story, a purpose, and you are meant to do something amazing.
 It's okay to just make it through the day. It's okay to get tired of braving the weather. It's okay to feel like giving up. The important thing is to NOT give up. Know that there is always someone out there who cares about you.

 You are loved. You are brave. You are important, and you matter so, so, so very much.

 If you ever need to talk, drop a comment and I'll get back with you. I love you all and please know that I am here for you anytime. I am always open to listening, giving advice, and just being a friend.

Ciao,
Hannah

Child, Teen, Adult; Rinse & Repeat.

 Life is just nuts right now. There's no other way to put it; some days, I just feel like I'm losing my mind. That's not to say that things are bad per say, but I don't feel like I have a good grip on life right now, and my relationships, physical + mental health, and most importantly my faith are experiencing struggles right now because of it.

 Lots of things, that aren't actually all that sudden, feel like they are happening suddenly and very rapidly. I am nearly done with everything I need to get my driver's license- just complete a few more hours and then I need to pass my driver's test. My graduation 'party' is this weekend.
 My mom has officially been working outside the home for over 2 weeks now. Dance has started back in full swing (and my body is not loving me for it). I start my English 1111 class at our community college in October, and I have 2 sort-of "part time jobs" plus a babysitting gig once in awhile.

 My sister turns 14 this month, my mom turned 40 last month, my brother is less than a year to teen-hood, and realization is sinking in that I'm closer to being a legal adult than I am to being a child. It's... slightly terrifying, to be frank.

 I don't exactly miss childhood, necessarily, just miss the naivety and such, I guess; it's like, I wanted so badly to be an adult when I was younger, and then for 2-3 years, my siblings & I had a lot of growing up in a really short time span and now I wish I could be growing up at a normal pace. I feel like there's all of these really childish things that are very grounding to me. Stuffed animals, hair bows, chocolate milk, things like that all help calm me down.

 It's like I have these things that kind of got lost to younger me, that are odd for a 16 year old to like or enjoy, and then some things I do make people think I'm an "old soul" or wise beyond my years or whatever stuff adults spout off to teens who are somewhat mature. I feel like I'm wedged between two different lives, two different times, and I'm neither one of them, yet I am also both.

 I don't have much of a reason for this post, other than to vent, and I know it's rather short but that's really all I had to say, so this is Hannah, signing off 'til next time.

 I love you guys. Ciao for now.
 -Hannah

Father's Day

Hello lovelies,

 First of all, I want to start off with wishing all the good dads & grand-dads out there a very happy father's day! I hope you have a wonderful day.

 However, this post is less about father's day itself, and more about some realizations I've had and things I need to work through. For a while, I felt like I wasn't allowed to feel emotion about my dad's death because some people have had it worse with toxic, or abusive, fathers. But I can't deny that I've been struggling.

 Father's day for me has seemingly gotten easier each year after my dad passed away, but for some reason, today... it's struck me hard. Not in a teary-sad-crying kind of way, but it's like all of a sudden it's settled into the pit of my stomach that he's gone.
 It's such a weird feeling.

 Like, one of the ways I coped (and still have to this day, I guess) after his death was to pretend that he was on a trip, and he'd be back soon. We'd open the door and there he'd be, in a Hawaiian shirt with his ridiculous grin plastered across his face, saying how he was so glad to be home.
 But that's not going to happen.

 We live in a new house now. It's a nice house, I suppose, but it's never felt like home to me... I can't quite pin-point why, but lately I've been thinking about how my dad is never going to set foot in this house.
 He'll never see my paintings that I've worked so hard on hanging on my bedroom wall. He'll never again yell at my brother to clean up his 'pig sty of a room'. He'll never complain about my sister's odd collections again.

 We don't even have any pictures of him hanging up anywhere... and we have a LOT of stuff hanging up. Which isn't bad, because there's not this constant, hanging reminder of who's not here anymore, but sometimes I kind of forget what his face looks like. And his voice is all but gone from my mind.
 Which is understandable, we're going on 4 years, but... still.

 It's such a weird thing, too, because there's lots of pictures of him at my grandmother's house. I think she's very much so still in the beginning stages of grieving despite how much time has passed. It has to do with some beliefs she holds as well.
 Anyways, the pictures are weird because even though they're him... they don't feel like him. Some are so old they're from before I was born, or when I was really little, or maybe from when he was really little. There's some more recent ones, but a lot of them are blurry or very posed.

 I just get emotional because it's knowing how much he's missed or will miss. If any of my siblings & I get married, he won't be there. He never met one of my best friends, or many of my other friends either. He didn't get to see the first dance my sister & I choreographed.

 He didn't, and won't, see any of us turn 13, 16, 18, or 21... or any of the birthdays after or in-between. He didn't get to see me on my prom night, or know about my first job interview.
 He didn't get to see Christian learn how to mow the lawn and pick up his first Summer job, or get his orange belt in karate. He doesn't get to see how obsessed Bethanne is with cosplay, and wigs, and all of that, or know that she's picked up the drums, his favorite instrument.

 I need to go now; I guess I lied about it not being a weepy-sad kind of day. I try to be a positive person, but sometimes... sometimes it's really hard. And there's literally nothing that can be done about it. You just have to push through and fake it 'til you make it.
 But right now, I'm kind of tired of faking it. I really, really miss my dad.
 Like, a lot.

Ciao...
Hannah

Beauty & Blessings

Hello, lovelies!

 It is so easy to get caught up in silly little things, like maybe your cat threw up a hairball again. And big things, like maybe you're having car troubles for the third time this month. And really just about anything, no matter what it is.
 I get caught up on jealousy. I get caught up on anger. I get caught up on all of these little 'injustices' in life but honestly... what is the point?

 I'm not going to lie, life can really suck sometimes. Like... reeeaaallllyyy bad. But all of these little bad things doesn't change the little good things that happen! Maybe a baby was just born. Maybe one of your friends just got an adorable new puppy and is about to send you a picture of it. Look at the fact that you are alive. You can smile. You can live your life, even if things are bad right now, you still exist with a beautiful purpose. Sometimes things that seem really bad are blessings in disguise. Sometimes the things that hurt the most, cause the most trouble, are the things that are going to shape your life into something even more wonderful than it already was!

 Blessings are an amazing, beautiful thing that are so often overlooked because we get trapped in bubbles of pity, either for ourselves or others, or doubt, or anxiousness, or really... anything. Mental health is such an important thing, but it's also such a hard thing- especially for people with mental illnesses, things like depression, anxiety, bpd, etc.,- to try to shape into something pleasant, and I totally understand that.

 Just take a deep breath and look around. Things may seem terrible right now, but something good is always around the corner, even if it's as small as finding a penny on the ground. Life can be beautiful as long as you're willing to look for the beauty within it.

Ciao!
Hannah

Self-Care

Hello, lovely people!

 Today I'm going to talk a little bit about self-care, because I feel it's something important to talk about in this day & age. It's a topic that is talked about often, but no one can agree on anything about it.

• Self care isn't always pretty.

 Everyone seems to have this idea that self-care is all about coffee dates with friends, bath bombs, and getting haircuts. Things that are easily Instagram-able, fun, and "cutesy". And that's great! For some people, that is great!
 But for some people, self care is just being able to eat something other than microwave dinners or cold pizza. For some people, it's changing their bed sheets. Or even just brushing their hair. It's small steps, and not everyone can have "pretty" self-care. Which leads to my next point...

• Self care isn't the same for everyone.

 Some people may need less of one thing, more of another, and none of something different.  Each person is a unique mix of needs & wants, and it may even depend on the day!

• There's a difference between Needs and Wants.

 There is a surprisingly big divide between what a need and a want is in the form of self-care, and again, it's different for everybody.
 For me, personally, my *NEEDS* self-care is getting my to-do list done, my room cleaned, and then being able to just relax and write a blog post like this one. My *WANTS* self-care is being able to take a long bath, make some art, and then relax and watch some TV with my dog.

• Self care can kind of suck.

 Yep, I said it. It can really suck. Self-care isn't fun all the time. I don't enjoy cleaning my room- I actually find it extremely frustrating, but it needs to be done and afterwards I feel fantastic. Sometimes the road to your destination is boring, but it's always worth it in the end.

-----

 Now, here are some tips & tricks to help you with your self-care! :)

• If you find yourself struggling with doing the "un-fun" stuff, give yourself a reward after doing each thing. You'll be more apt to do it. For example; shower, brush your teeth, and get dressed, and you can take 15 minutes to read from your favorite book.
• Don't stress out if you can't do it all- it's okay, take your time.
• If there's something that stressing you out and you can take a break from it, do so! You'll come back to it with a clearer head.
• Keep your mental health in mind- if you deal with things like anxiety, depression, etc., your self-care is probably going to different than your friends who don't deal with those things, and it's okay.
• Take a break from social media- it can be very taxing on your well-being without even realizing it. I've learned that the hard way multiple times.

Just hang in there, dears. Love you all! Ciao!
Hannah

Loneliness

Hello lovelies!

 Loneliness is such a funny thing, you know?

 I absolutely hate feeling lonely. Because then I start to think. And when I start thinking, my thoughts get twisted, and in all honesty I become slightly paranoid. So then I don't want to be around people... but it resulted from feeling alone to begin with.

 See my problem?

 Like, I love physical affection. But not all the time, and only from certain people. But due to being so fickle about it, I often don't experience the amount that I feel I need.

 Loneliness is just this constant ugly cycle, and even though I'm aware of what I'm doing, I never seem to be able to stop it. My head is always just going a million miles an hour and I get shaky and tired and anxious and people just exhaust me, but I just can't stand to be alone for too long.

 Some days I put my earbuds in and try to drown out the entire world as much as possible.
 Other days I try to stay around my mom & brother as much as possible to drown out my own thoughts.
 I can't pick one thing to feel.

 And even though I know it's not, some days I feel like it's going to tear me into tiny little pieces. Just chew me up, spit me out, and leave me there.
 People truly are my greatest blessing and my greatest curse.

Ciao,
Hannah