Father's Day

Hello,

 This is a poem I wrote to share what I feel about Father's Day as someone whose dad is gone... it's a rough time of year for many, either those who don't have relationships with their dad, who were abused, or had their father pass (including myself... grief is a fickle thing), etc.

 Trigger warning: mentions of suicidal thoughts/death/etc.

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Everywhere, I see reminders of you.
CDs of your favorite bands,
Hawaiian shirts and plaid shirts of blue.
Every year is another year that we survive without you.
Things get easier, but it doesn't mean

that I stop missing you.

Cards and gifts and celebrations,
"Call your dad and tell him you love him."
I can't pick up my phone and give you a call-
I have to go to the cemetery to be near you at all.

You can't hear me from there, for you are not there, I know.
Where you are is so much better,

where plants will forever grow.
Streets made of gold, where pain ceases,
where fathers don't have to go.
Your dad misses you, Dad, though he won't say so.
This day is hard on him, and hard on Mom, and hard on us, you know.
You're gone but not forgotten,
and that almost makes it worse.
Everywhere I look, I see you like a curse.
You never saw me pick a major,
or see how Christian's grown.
Mom's got her bachelors,

and Beth's grown a backbone.
I miss you everyday,
but this is one of the worst.
You won't get to walk me down the aisle 

on my wedding day.
It isn't fair. It isn't okay.
My friends talking about their fathers,
while I look at the ground and curse.
I'm not angry anymore,
just upset that I can't tell you just how things are.
There's so much you've missed,
during these teenage years, and despite knowing where you are,

it still hurts to know you're not right here.
You didn't even get to see me learn to drive a car.
Christian and Bethanne look quite like you,
and they're growing every day.
Mom's a social worker, something new always.
Me? I don't know anymore.
Once, I tried to visit you,
but the medicine made my head get clear.
I think you would've been upset
if I hadn't spoken to the Big Guy up there.
This day brings up reminders,
of you, of all we've lost,
but most of all it makes me remember,
that all isn't actually lost.
Because even though I miss you,
and we've had to learn a lot,
I know someday we'll see you again,
and all will be okay.

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My Family

 

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 Ciao,
Hannah